The jokes
How do you stop your newspaper from flying away in the wind? -- Use a news anchor.
Where did the cat go when it lost its tail? -- To the retail store!
What's the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling? One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler.
Why was the DJ banned from the supermarket?
He was stealing all the samples.
Why did the math book go to the psychologist?
It had too many problems.
Why did the library book go to the doctor?
It needed to be checked out.
Why did the author go to the emergency room?
His editor told him he needed an appendix removed.
What's the difference between Bird flu and swine flu?
For one you get tweetment, for the other you get oinkment.
Why did the strawberry cry? -- Because his mother was in a jam.
What did Captain Picard say when he brought his sewing machine to the repairman? -- "Make it sew."
Two fish are in a tank. One says, "You man the guns, I'll drive!"
Where do cows keep their historical cultural artifacts?
In the mooseum.
Why doesn't the Sun go to college? Because it has a million degrees.
What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter?
"Quack, quack."
Why can't college students take exams at the zoo?
Too many cheetahs!
Why did the tomato blush? -- Because it saw the salad dressing.
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? -- One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
Where did Milky Way get its degree?
At the university.
Why did the coffee file a police report? -- Because it was mugged.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.