The jokes

Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with. So, they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

Wives are like grenades. Remove the ring and boom, the house is gone!

What did the 0 say to the 8?

"Nice belt."

What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig? -- The letter F.

A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving. The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says, "Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!"

The drunk says, "No shit, that's why I took my car!"

"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital."

"Aaron, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."

Donald Trump wants to ban the sale of pre-shredded cheese.

He wants to make America grate again.

Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?" The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."

Some day, Canada will take over the world. -- And then we'll all be sorry.

I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is "the stupidest country in the world." Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand. -- It's seven.

Tits are like Lego bricks. They're there for the kid, but dad ends up playing with them.

I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone...

In my spare time I help blind children. -- I mean the verb, not the adjective.

What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with boobs?

One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "What are you going to do now?"

God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."

A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m., and his wife is livid. "You swore that you'd be home by 11:45!"

"No," slurs the mathematician, "I said I'd be home by a quarter of 12."

"What does the word 'gay' mean?" asked a son of his father.

"It means 'happy'," replied the father.

"Oh," contested the son, "so you are gay then?"

"No, son, I have a wife."

What is black and sits at the top of the stairs? -- Steven Hawking after a house fire.