The jokes

What does a girl want more than anything in the world?

Nothing. She's fine.

The three unwritten rules of life:

1. 2. 3.

4, 6, 8, and 9 have all been killed. 2, 3, 5, 7, and 11 are the prime suspects.

The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologized to the Olympic Committee after realizing that sailing and shooting were two separate events.

The furniture store keeps calling me back... But all I wanted was that one nightstand.

I was sitting next to this really hot Thai girl on the bus, and all I could think to myself was, "Don't get an erection, don't get an erection..." But she did.

Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.

Jesus: "A table for 26, please." Headwaiter: "But there's only... 13 of you?" Jesus: "Yeah, we're all going to sit on the same side."

What's the difference between tuna, a piano and glue?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna.

6:30 is the best time on a clock... hands down.

What do prime numbers and stoners have in common? The higher they are, the more spaced out they get.

There was a blackout in my neighborhood last night. The police told us to stay inside until they shot him.

Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says, "Wow, that's got to be the fastest we've ever gotten to an accident site."

Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys. -- I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

What does a turtle and a pedophile have in common? They both want to get there before the hare does.

To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide, but you can't run.

Today I was asked to go out by 20 girls. -- I was in the women's bathroom.

According to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.

What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi? -- People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi doooo.

What did the Indian boy say to his mother as he left for school? -- "Mumbai!"

I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.