The jokes
What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller? -- "Curses! Foil again!"
What has more letters than the alphabet? -- The post office.
Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?
Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.
What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? -- Well, the flag is a big plus.
What's the difference between England and a tea bag? -- The tea bag stays longer in a cup.
Where can you find some of the world's largest vegetables? -- In an American nursing home.
What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? -- The wheelchair.
What is the difference between 9/11 and a cow?
You stop milking a cow after 15 years.
Why didn't anyone react when the king farted? -- It was a noble gas.
Why can't you starve in the desert?
Because of all the sand which is there.
What do you call 2 octopuses that look exactly the same? -- Identical.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9. The odds were against me.
Why couldn't the whistleblower leave his house?
He was snowed in.
Why does a milking stool only have 3 legs? -- Because the cow has the udder.
Why was Cinderella banned from playing sports? Because she always ran away from the ball.
Why couldn't a lifeguard save the hippie? -- Because he was too far out, man.
Why did the gym close down? -- It just didn't work out.
Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive? -- It was a grave mistake.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8.