The jokes
Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says, "Wow, that's got to be the fastest we've ever gotten to an accident site."
Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys. -- I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
What does a turtle and a pedophile have in common? They both want to get there before the hare does.
To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide, but you can't run.
Today I was asked to go out by 20 girls. -- I was in the women's bathroom.
According to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi? -- People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi doooo.
What did the Indian boy say to his mother as he left for school? -- "Mumbai!"
I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.
Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with. So, they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
Wives are like grenades. Remove the ring and boom, the house is gone!
What did the 0 say to the 8?
"Nice belt."
What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig? -- The letter F.
A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving. The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says, "Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!"
The drunk says, "No shit, that's why I took my car!"
"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital."
"Aaron, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."
Donald Trump wants to ban the sale of pre-shredded cheese.
He wants to make America grate again.
Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?" The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."
Some day, Canada will take over the world. -- And then we'll all be sorry.
I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is "the stupidest country in the world." Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.