The jokes
What do you call a communist pirate ship?
The USS Arrrrr.
What does the cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend?
He wipes his butt.
What happened to the fly on the toilet seat?
It got pissed off.
Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?
Because from a distance, they looked like hare.
What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday?
I don't know. He hasn't opened it yet.
Why is baby shampoo the best anal lube?
No more tears.
Why don't the Amish water ski?
The horses would drown.
Why did the one-handed man cross the road?
To get to the second-hand store!
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized".
What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets?
Women.
What did the beach say as the tide came in?
Long time, no sea.
What's the cheapest kind of meat you can buy?
Deer balls. They're under a buck.
What is the opposite of Progress?
Congress.
Why did the pirate kids ride the short bus to school?
Because they were retarrrrrrrrrded.
A guy finds a genie.
He says, "I wish I was better at talking to women."
"Poof!" the genie says, "You're gay!"
What's the difference between a teacher and a train?
The teacher says, "Spit out your gum," but a train says, "Chew chew!"
How many dead prostitutes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
More than three because the basement is still dark!
What did the turtle do when he ran out of gas?
He went to the Shell station.
How do you make holy water?
You take normal water and boil the hell out of it.
Why did the lion always lose at poker?
He was playing with a bunch of cheetahs.