The jokes

Did you hear about the boy who sat under a cow?

He got a pat on the head.

"Gosh, it's raining cats and dogs," said Suzie, looking out of the kitchen window.

"I know," said her mother, "I've just stepped in a poodle!"

What's the name for a short legged tramp?

A low-down bum.

What's the difference between a square peg in a round hole and a kilo of lard?

One's a good lot of fat; the other's a fat lot of good.

What's the difference between a boring teacher and a boring book?

You can shut the book up.

What is the difference between a man peering through the key hole and a woman in the bath?

One is rude and nosy; the other is rude and nosy.

What did the cancer patient get for Valentine's Day? Candy wigs.

Two pedophiles are on a beach.

One says to the other, "Move over, you're in my sun!"

I was eating this girl out the other night, and I tasted horse semen, so I said to her, "Oh, that's how you died, grandma!"

Knock, knock. Who's there? Dave. Dave who? Dave proceeds to break into tears as his grandmother's Alzheimer's has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him.

What's the difference between a fish and a car?

You can tune a car... but you can't TUNA fish! x3

We all know the joke: Why is 6 scared of 7? Because 7 8 9.

But do you know why 9 is scared of 7?

Because you are supposed to eat 3 square meals a day (3 squared).

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? At least it was a soft drink.

Yo mama so ugly that when she was born, the doctor looked at her face, then at her butt and said, "Twins!"

There were three babies in a mom's stomach. One baby asks, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" The other baby answers, "A doctor. I want to help people. What about you?"

"I want to be an engineer. I want to make things. What about you?" he asks to the third baby.

"I want to be a hunter."

"Why?" the other babies ask.

"I want to kill the snake that spits on my face."

Why did the Canadian cross the road?

To say sorry to the other side.

I walked into the school for disabled kids and asked them if they knew how to play "Heads, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes." Turns out they only knew how to play "Heads, Shoulders, Wheels, and Frame."

How do Chinese people name their kids?

They roll a coin down the staircase and it says, "Ching chang chong..."

What is the first thing the disabled download on iTunes?

"They see me rolling, they hatin'."

Why don't seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they would be expect bagels.