The jokes
God: “Steven, join us.”
*sees the staircase to heaven*
Steven: “Shit.”
What's Gru's favorite Beyoncé lyric? "Who run the world... Gorls."
A boy walks into the bedroom and sees mom and dad having sex. The boy says, "What are you doing?"
"Baking a cake."
The next day he walked up to his mom doing dishes.
"Remember when you were making a cake? I LICKED UP ALL THE FROSTING."
Why do leaves change color in the fall?
Because they want to leaf their old color.
What kind of woman does Bill Cosby like the most?
The “cold and passed out” kind.
Cremation,
The last chance for a smoking hot body.
If you're ever bored, just rape an orphan! What are they gonna do, tell their parents?
I bought my blind friend a house on the edge of a cliff.
They died of happiness and a 30 story fall.
I put the D in Children.
Little Timmy wanted to take a shower with his dad. His dad said, "Don't look down." Timmy looked down. Timmy said, "What's that?" Timmy's dad said, "That's Mr. Wiggles." Timmy wanted to take a shower with his mom. Timmy's mom said, "Don't look down." Timmy looked down. Timmy said, "What's that?" Timmy's mom said, "That's my garden." Timmy's mom said, "Don't look up." Timmy looked up. Timmy said, "What are those?" Timmy's mom said, "Those are her headlights." Timmy wanted to sleep with his parents. His parents said, "Don't look under the covers." Timmy looked under the covers. Timmy yelled, "MOMMY, MOMMY, MR. WIGGLES IS ATTACKING YOUR GARDEN! TURN ON YOUR HEADLIGHTS!"
A blind comedian was asked to do stand up for a hospital. No one laughed at his jokes, so he continued to sing, "If you're happy and you know it..."
The room was full of arm amputees.
So, I was fucking this bitch, right, and I thought I had AIDS.
So I go and get tested. Turns out I did get AIDS. Now what I'm wondering is where the hell does an eight-year-old get AIDS?! I guess my sister needs new friends...
I set fiya to the rain! Wait, no, that ain't possible, what... I evaporated the rain!
I was in a maze and I got to the end and they congratulated me. I said that was a-maze-ing!
Hey Jonny, you can buy a...
Pun o' chips at the store!
What did the man say when he swallowed a clock and tried to go to the bathroom?
WATCH OUT!!!
The earth is flat.
What type of pizza did the 9/11 victims order? Two planes.
Why couldn't the T-Rex clap?
Because he's dead.
Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One says to the other, "I blew like 20 bucks in there!"