The jokes
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It didn't, I hit it with my car 3 blocks down.
What is the hardest part of a vegetable?
The wheelchair.
What's red and in a corner?
A baby with a razor blade.
What's green and in a corner?
The same baby three weeks later.
Did you hear about the new Exorcist movie? The Devil came to get the Priest out of the child.
What did Saturday say on the day before Friday?
I’m thursty (Thursday).
Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me. It was such a nice jester!
Did you hear about the tomato and the lettuce race?
Well, the lettuce was ahead, and the tomato was trying to ketchup!
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Because chickens are mindless creatures and do not know any better.
You are American when you walk into the bathroom, and you are American when you walk out.
But do you know what you are when you're in the bathroom? European.
There was a dog in the middle of the room, so I called it and started to play fetch. Then my mother shouted at me for playing with my food. I missed it, but it was tasty.
Me: (pointing up in the air) "Everybody listen up, this is a robbery!"
Girl: "Dude, this is a library."
Me: "Oh." (screwing on a silencer)
Two atom soldiers are fighting against an army. One gets shot. He cried out, "I'm hit! I think I've lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?" asks the other.
"I'm positive!"
Why did C.S.C. fail the trigonometry test?
Cosecant remember his own name.
Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
The waiter recommended the rug meal.
She said it was delicious, but it's a tassle to make.
You're the bus driver. The bus driver picks up twenty kids, drops two, picks up eighty. Drops seven, picks up a woman with green eyes, drops off a man with blue, kicks a kid in the face, and buried his mother.
Who's the bus driver?
You will never nose [know].
Where did the one legged lady work?
IHOP
Why did the child cross the road?
To get to the other slide.
What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
A violin has "strings" and a fiddle has "strangs."
"Banjo players spend half their lives tuning... and the other half out of tune."
I'm a banjo picker, and I can confirm this is 99% true.
Why did the octopus cry?
Because his mum said he looked like Johnny Depp.