The jokes
What's the difference between a paycheck and your penis?
You don't have to beg your wife to blow up the paycheck.
What's the difference between Chaplin and a politician in a wheelchair?
Chaplin does stand-up comedy, and the politician does sit-down... comedy.
A man got fired from the first coin factory. He exclaimed, "No! This is the only thing that's ever made cents!"
Well, the "HOLE" story is, I shoved it up her hole.
What's the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman? You can unscrew the lightbulb.
Friend: How dark is your humor?
Me: It gets beat by the cops on a daily basis.
What kind of vegetable makes the best receptionist?
Cauliflower.
When I was a kid, I used to read a lot. I mainly grew up reading stories by Shakespeare, especially the story Romeo & Juliet. That one in particular taught me a valuable life lesson. It taught me to not be surprised when my girlfriend killed herself.
Which room is the safest place in the house?
The living room.
Hey, did you hear about the cat revolution? It was a cat-astrophy! I guess we just have to stay PAWSitive!
What is the most expensive haircut? Chemotherapy.
Stop with the dead baby jokes. We're running out of babies.
What do you call it when you see Chinese people in a gang?
The "Ching Chang Gang."
An 80-year-old blind man asks his grandson, "Can you grab my glasses?"
Then the grandson says, "Did you get in the flour again?"
Grandpa said, "No, it was the weed."
What did the shark say after he ate the clownfish?
"This taste a little funny."
Q: Why did the Queer get fired from the sperm bank?
A: He got caught drinking on the job.
What's the best part about having emo grass?
It cuts itself!
A man and a woman get married. The woman was a retired hooker. The man was a poet.
The man said as they did 69, "You taste better than my most delicious gourmet meal." The woman said, "Well, you aren’t too bad either, but the best 69 I’ve gotten and given was Harry. He did it for 24 hours nonstop." They got divorced that night.
"Roses are red. Violets are red. My parents' bed is red. Oh shit, I set the house on fire!"
What's the difference between an onion and a baby?
One makes you cry when you cut it up.