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The jokes

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

A hippo is really heavy, a Zippo is a little lighter.

When I went to see the doctor, he remarked that he hadn't seen me in a while.

I said that I have been ill.

The doctor said he had good news and bad news. The good news is that you have 24 hours to live. The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday.

A child asks his teacher to go to the toilet.

"Before you go, recite the alphabet," the teacher says.

"a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z"

"Good, but where's the p?"

"Running down my leg."

  • 7

    • Did you hear about the cannibal that came home late?

    His wife gave him the cold shoulder.

    A man walks into the taxidermist with two monkeys. The taxidermist asked if he wanted them mounted. The man said, "No. Shaking hands will be fine."

    I asked a man for ten dollars for a cup of coffee. The man said coffee was only a quarter. I told him I was putting all my begs in one ask-it.

    A guy goes onto a rooftop bar and is sitting next to a guy who says he’s drinking a magical drink. He asks, “What’s so magical about it?” The guy drives a car and flies it around the rooftop. The other tries, but falls off and dies.

    The bartender shakes his head and says, “Y’know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”

    That awkward moment when you're checking yourself out in the window of a car and you realize there's somebody inside.

    I was riding my bike down the road!

    When a car started coming, I started running.

    It put me in a crash with my elbow through my ass! ;)

    A boy walks up to a girl and says, "I would tell you a joke about my dick, but it's too long." Then the girl says, "Yeah, I would tell you a joke about my pussy, but you'll never get it."

    A doctor is at a bar one night and notices a young lady at the counter. He approaches her and says, "Hello there miss, pardon my intrusion, but I was curious to know, if someone were to pay you a million dollars to sleep with them, would you?"

    The young lady smiles and says, "That's a lot of money, of course, I would."

    The doctor smiles and says, "That's interesting, but what if someone were to pay you 5 dollars to sleep with them, would you?"

    The young lady says, "What, are you joking? That's no money at all. Of course, I wouldn't. What do you think I am?"

    The Doctor smiles again and says, "We already established what you are, now we're trying to establish a price."

    A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and asks, "Do you have any problems with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit says, "No." So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

  • 6

    • Three cowboys are at a fire talking about the best things they have done.

    Cowboy 1 says, "I have taken out a whole group of raiders with my bare hands."

    Cowboy 2 says, "I have killed a herd of bulls with my thumb."

    Cowboy 3 chuckles as he mixes the fire with his dick.

    Roses are red, Violets are blue, A face like yours belongs in the zoo, But don't you worry, I'll be there too, Not in a cage, but laughing at you!