The jokes
Friend: I have the eye of the tiger.
Me: So what? I have the balls of a gorilla.
Parents: We can't come back to the zoo next week!
I wonder why the baseball was getting larger and larger, then it hit me.
What's the difference between $1 million and baby teeth?
I don't have $1 million in my wallet.
What is the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?
I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face for my birthday.
Why did Princess Diana cross the road? She wasn't wearing a seat belt.
How did they know Princess Diana had dandruff? They found her head and shoulders in the glove compartment.
The greatest bond you will ever have is the one with your conjoined twin.
Why did Mimi cross the road?
She had cancer.
What is the best way to catch a baby from falling off the roof?
With a pitchfork.
What is red, bubbling, and scratching at a window?
A baby in the microwave.
What is the difference between a refrigerator and a baby?
The refrigerator doesn't cry when I put my meat in it.
They should add an eleventh commandment to the Bible:
Thou shalt not f... altar boys.
When the school lets you near children again...
When the teacher calls on you and asks you how many people did Hitler kill?
"One, he killed himself."
I'm going to hang myself in the bathroom at school and put a note telling kids that I'm a piñata.
Did you hear about the delivery boy that worked for that Italian Restaurant down the street?
Yeah, he Pasta-Way.
What's the difference between my phone and my sister?
I actually give a damn if my phone dies.
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Seven’s been worried about six even since he left Afghanistan. Every time 6 closes his eyes, he sees the war and hears the gunshots. He sees the blood, the killing, the death, and soldiers falling. When he looks at seven, he remembers when they were forced to eat their own flesh to not starve in those caves. He sees the war and the flashbacks will come back forever, burned into his soul and mind.
Why did the goat have an abortion?
Because she already had too many kids!
Why did the zookeeper lose his job? For choking the chicken and spanking the monkey!
Did you hear about the unborn fetus? Oh wait, never mind, it must have been aborted from the sight.