The jokes
An old man walks in a forest with a child, and the child says, "It's dark, and I'm scared." The old man says, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk out alone."
Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road? It was stuck in a crack.
Teacher: What is the capital of Washington?
Dumb kid: The W???
Parents: Why do you use your phone on the toilet?
Me: The same reason you read the newspaper on the toilet.
Stupid joke about Stephen Hawking that wasn't funny the first fucking time.
My friend dreamed of being a porno star.
He did it for 3 months and decided it was not for him.
The next job he got was pumping petrol. Halfway through filling up, he pulled the hose out and started spraying all over the car!
I slept like a log last night... woke up in the fireplace.
What did the water say to the water? "Water" you doing?
Wanna hear the car joke?
Nah, it's too fast for you.
I was walking down the street when I thought I smelled my ex's perfume. Turns out, I was standing in front of a fish market.
Why did the stoner cross the road?
He got so wasted, he thought he was a chicken.
Q: What is the difference between a pizza and a baby?
A: The pizza does not scream when you put it in the oven.
I will always remember the last noise I hear in my school, "oogga booga motherf***ers," click, boom!
What turns red, blue then white? The last person that I'd strangle.
So, I met this girl and she was a 9 out of 10. I met this other girl who was 7 years old. The 7-year-old ate my 9 out of 10 girl because 7 was a psychopath.
"I’m sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing.
Except at a funeral.
A farmer told me that he wanted a couple of acres, so I punched him in the teeth.
How many times can 46 go into 8? Just hop in the van and find out.
The Annoying Orange called Donald Trump a copycat.
Why did Ross fall off the swing?
Because he had no arms.