The jokes
I asked my uncle why he was living on the streets.
He said that he wasn't always on the streets, he used to have a job at these two towers. I asked him what happened, and he said two planes happened.
I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban at the New York Zoo.
My uncle got sued from NASA the other day. He claimed to be the first one to enter Uranus.
What's the difference between my dad and my stepdad?
My stepdad beat my ass before he left.
What's the hardest part of eating a vegetable?
The wheelchair.
How many times does 42 go into 9?
Get in the van to find out.
My sister got in a car crash a couple days ago. When she got to the hospital, the doctor told her that she needed to get metal mechanics in her leg.
She got really scared and yelled at the doctor, telling them that, “I will not get those implanted in my leg.” I guess she just doesn’t associate with knee gears.
Why are birds good at social media?
Because they "tweet" all the time!?
What did the mechanic say to the other mechanic when he broke the car?
"How will we wrench ourselves out of this?"
I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.
what's the difference between a baby and a trampoline? the trampoline doesn't cave in when i jump on it.
I was in Alabama last year. I walked into a store and noticed a couple kissing each other, and I said, "Excuse me, where is the bathroom?" The man said, "Right over there." I went into the bathroom and then heard the girl say, "Dad, I have to go to school soon."
There's a man in Florida with no arms or legs who is armed and on the run.
A woman walks into a library and asks if they have any books about paranoia. The librarian says, "They're right behind you!"
Why did the duck get arrested? For selling quack.
What's the darkest point in the universe?
The inside of a KFC.
What’s the similarity between your uncle and your hands?
They can both do dirty things.
Do you know the shortest joke about Titanic?
*Splash!*
What was Stephen Hawking's favorite childhood song? "The wheels on the chair go round and round....."
What's the difference between an elephant and a feminist?
The feminist is overweight.