The jokes
A guy is bankrupt, so he gives his son a duck and tells him to go sell it for as much as he can. So the kid goes on the street to sell the duck. A prostitute walks by and says, "I'll f--ck you for $10." The boy says, "I would, but I don't have any money." She says, "Ok, I'll take the duck instead." He says, "Ok," so they go upstairs and f--ck. The prostitute says, "That's the best sex I've ever had. I'll give you the duck back, and we can do it again." So they do, and he gets the duck back. But when they go downstairs, the duck gets hit by a car. And the guy that hit the duck feels so bad that he gives the kid $25. So when he gets home, his father asks him why he looks so tired. The boy says, "Well, I got a f--ck for a duck, a duck for a f--ck, and $25 for a f--cked up f--ck."
How did Stephen Hawking die?
He rolled too far away from the outlet on the wall.
What do you call nitrogen in the day? You call it day-trogen!
Father: "Son, you were adopted."
Son: "What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!"
Father: "We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes."
On the lines of "I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous,"
I'm dying to live forever!
What did the mute man tell the blind man?
Nothing.
I got hit by a bus.
But the bus was my ex.
Why couldn't Sally open the fridge?
Because she had no arms.
What's good about 9/11? It helped solve the world's overpopulation issue.
A man walks into a bar, he gets a concussion.
After 2 months of recovering, the same man rushes head first into the bar. He goes into a coma.
After 2 years, he amazingly wakes up. He then gets in his car and drives into the bar at 70 mph. He dies. Did I mention he was suicidal?
A sex addict man meets a rich man around Christmas.
The sex addict asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The sex addict asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The sex addict nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The sex addict thinks about it for a second and replies, "A gold necklace and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The sex addict astutely responds, "This way, if she doesn't like the jewelry she can go f... herself."
A man walks up to a priest. The man says, "I am Jesus Christ." The priest says, "No, you are not my son." The man says, "Follow me." The man walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Jesus Christ, you're back!"
What's an alien's favorite computer key?
The space bar!
What did one detective say to the other detective?
"Disguise is lookin' suspicious."
Why couldn't the Japanese man give a high five?
Because Logan Paul left him hanging.
Why did the guy get the hose?
Because the girl was smoking hot.
Why couldn’t anyone see the bird?
Because it was in da skies.
If 4 birds are sitting on a fence and one gets shot, how many are still on the fence?
None, the rest fly away.
What is sprinkled around the Pokémon floor? Oh right. Ash's ashes.
Science flies you to the moon.
Religion flies you into towers.