The jokes
Kids in the backseat make accidents, and accidents in the back seat make kids.
How do you stop a baby from crawling on the floor?
Nail one hand to the ground...
How do you stop it from crawling in circles? Nail the other hand to the floor.
Science took us to the moon, and religion took us into a skyscraper.
What language do they speak in the middle of the earth?
CORE-ean
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile. "May I help you?"
"I was wondering," whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the handjobs?"
"Yes," she purrs, "I am."
The man replies, "Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."
"Well," he says, "It's what mommy calls me sometimes."
The little girl screams, "Don't eat it! It's a fucking asshole."
Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: How do you breathe through that little thing?
So, I was f**king my daughter the other night, and I don’t know what was funnier: the looks on my wife’s face when she walked in on me or the fact that the abortion clinic let me keep her.
Me and my girlfriend were planning on having sex, but I said me and my little brother share a bunk bed and he’s on the bottom. She said tell him we’re making sandwiches so we came up with a plan. "Tomato" means harder and "cheese" means faster. So we were having sex and she was screaming, "Tomato, tomato, tomato, cheese, cheese, cheese," then my little brother said, "Can y’all stop making sandwiches? You're getting mayonnaise all over my bed."
Bippity boppity, get the f*ck off my property.
Q: What is a Mexican's favorite restaurant?
A: On The Border.
What's the difference between me and an egg?
An egg gets laid.
Grandfather's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"
Grandmother's last words: "You know how to use that hammer."
Dad's last words: "Always aim before you shoot that gun."
Mom's last words: "Turn off the stove when you're done."
My last thought: Am I a murderer?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to your house.
Knock, knock.
"Who's there?"
"Nobody, because chickens don't talk."
Why did Sally fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms.
Q: Why did the baby cross the road? A: It was stapled to the chicken.
Q: Why did the Koala fall out of the tree? A: Because it was dead.
Q: Why did the baby fall out of the tree? A: Because it was stapled to the koala.
Q: Why did the tree fall over? A: The koala never let go.
Q: Why did the kangaroo die? A: Because the koala landed on it.
Why couldn't the girl brush her hair?
..... She had cancer.... ;)
What's the difference between a Lamborghini and an erection? I don't have a Lamborghini.
The more people who like to eat Tide Pods, the less idiots we have in the world. 😁
What’s the only victimless crime you can commit? Murder, cause there’s a victim less!