The jokes
Someone booted Stephen Hawking offline. Maybe next time he will stand for the pledge/anthem.
What did the soldier say when he sees a terrorist in a wheelchair?
RC-XD incoming.
What is the difference between a washing machine and a child?
The washing machine doesn't cry when you put a load in it.
Roses are red... Orphans are blue... I killed the priest so I could rape them too.
Why does the environmentalist pimp have his hoes fuck bareback?
He wants to keep condoms out of landfills.
If the red house is on the left, and the blue house on the right, where is the white house?
In Washington D.C.
Two men are next to each other. One looks at the other and asks, "Are you a fascist?"
The other man responds, "No, why would I be?"
The first man pulls out a gun and says, "Are you sure?"
The second man says, "Never mind, I am a fascist!"
What's an emo person's least favorite game? Cut The Rope.
Why did God make men?
Because you can't teach a vibrator how to mow the lawn...
What's the difference between a prostitute and a trash bag?
There's a limit to how much trash goes in the trash bag.
What do you get when you throw a pebble into the ocean?
A wet pebble.
Mom: (Looking through Facebook) How adorable!
Kid: (Looking over her shoulder) What a cute ass!
The kid's mom blushes until she realizes what he was pointing to. It was a picture of a baby donkey.
The real question is, what was she looking at on the same screen that made her blush at that remark?
What do you get when you throw a pebble in the ocean?
A wet pebble.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef!
I'mma flip this coin, if it lands on heads, tuh, you gotta give me head, if it lands on tails then you gotta give me the booty, so lets give this a try *flips coin* OOP! Would ya look at that, it landed on both, ESSKETIT!
What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?
By the time you're done with the breasts and the thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.
what did the pedophile say to the kid?
"Roses are red, my name is Dan, I have a gun, get in the van."
What did the pedophile say to the kids?
"FUCK!"
Who are the fastest readers in the world?
9/11 victims of course, they went through 89 stories in only 5 minutes!
Joke 1) 9/11 was such a tragedy... Two drunk people drove a plane into a building.
Joke 2) If 6-2=4, why are there no more towers?
Joke 3) Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Whatever it is, it’s heading straight for the World Trade Center.
Why are all women's feet small? So they can stand closer to the stove.