The jokes
Why did the fridge have lots of friends?
Cause it was COOL.
Mary Poppins went to a restaurant and ordered cheese, eggs, and cauliflower. When she left, she had written something in the complaint box: "Super cauliflower, eggs, but cheese was quite atrocious." (Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious)
The shovel was a groundbreaking invention.
When your mom tries to hit you with the belt but misses and hits herself... #victoryroyale
What did everyone say about the crazy unemployed homeless man?
He made no cents.
The other day my wife said, "Take me someplace I have never been before!" I said, "Why don't you try the kitchen?"
Why did the shark fisherman stop at the abortion clinic?
Because dead babies make the best cum.
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
Where did Alice go during the explosion?
Everywhere.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get ran over by a truck.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
The butt.
The butt who?
The butt goes mooooo!
When you think your mom's a virgin, then you stumble into the wrong closet.
It’s not rape if she’s a dead bear and I lost my job at the circus.
Three women were in heaven. The angel at the gates said, "How good the ride into heaven is for you, is determined by your commitment to your most recent partner."
The first lady says, "2 years, 2 side-hoes." She got an old lexus.
The second lady says, "10 years, 1 visit from a prostitute." She got a Mercedes-Benz.
The third lady says, "I never had a husband."
The angel says in response, "F*ck me and then you can have a lambo."
They all arrive in heaven, to see the second lady crying.
The first lady says, "I know we are dead, but it could be a lot worse."
"How!?" The third lady cries, "The angel has a flute for a d*ck!"
When I nailed the quiz, my teacher wasn't very happy. I wasn't either with all those paper cuts.
Oof.
A Christian Missionary walks up to some people and says, "Come! Meet Jesus!"
One of the guys takes out a knife and says, "You first."
If you go to the military and you get sent to a country, how many heads will you blow off?
That number is how many dicks you suck.
I say 123, yeah, the kids bullied me, but they really don't know that my dad has a gun, yeah.
I’m so annoyed by those people who just believe in anything they hear. This is a conversation I had a few days ago.
Idiot: "The moon landing was faked! So unbelievably fake!" Me: "You believe in the moon? Stupidass."
What do you call a skeleton who went out in the snow? A numb skull!