The jokes

Kid: Why do orphans like tennis?

Dad: Because it's the only time they get "love."

Why did half the world go to hell? Because they were laughing at morbid jokes.

YOU'VE BEEN WARNED (again)!

Me: *gives her 5 dollars* Climb that flag pole. Cute female: *takes the money and goes up the flag pole* Is this good? Me: Hell yeah, that's a nice view.

*Next day* Here's 10 dollars if you do it again. *She goes up there* Me: How's the view? *She goes home and her mom sees the money* Her mom: Where you getting this money? Her daughter: I climbed a flagpole. Her mom: You know he just wants you to see your panties, right? *She goes back and does it again but doesn't wear panties* Me: Holy shit ;-; Her mom: Did you do it again? Her daughter: Don't worry, Mom, he didn't get to see my panties. Her mom:...

In the words of Kerk Cobane: "Check this sweet no scope!"

Yo mama so fat, she's the reason why Slenderman has no eyes.

A car alarm went to the store.

Cashier: Hello.

Car Alarm: BMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMWAAAMAAHAMAMAMAMAAMHMMMMMMMMAMAMAMMMMMMMMMMMMMAAMMAMMMMMMMMMMM BBEEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BWAAAAMAAA!

Cashier: That will be 10 Dollars, sir.

There were 5 cows on a farm, one mom and 4 calves.

The first calf goes up to the mom and says, "Momma, why is my name Rose?"

The mother cow replies, "Well sweetie, when you were born, a rose petal fell on your head."

The second calf walks up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Lily?", to which the mom replies "Well honey, when you were born, a single lily petal fell on your head."

The third calf walks up, but before it can get a word out, the fourth calf screams at the top of its lungs. The mother cow yells, "Shut up, Cinderblock!"

If you ever get bored, just punch an orphan in the face. What's he going to do? Tell his parents?

Why did the leper fail his driving test?

He left his foot on the clutch.

Did you hear about the flood at the circus? Lots of people drowned, and there were two clowns that survived and two nuns still in the audience.

The two clowns ran over to the two nuns, and each one put a nun on his shoulder. Then they waded out of the big top, up to their waists in the rapid, turbulent water. As they were reaching dry land, one clown said to the other, "If you ask me, this is virgin on the ridiculous!"

What's the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot? Bigfoot has been sighted.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

I don’t know.

To get to the idiot house.

Knock, knock. Who's there?

The chicken.

I am right 95 percent of the time, who cares about that other 5 percent?

When do you take a cow to the movies?

On a mooo-vie!

Bob Ross fighting in Vietnam. "They're in the happy little trees, shoot the happy little trees and bushes!"

I love to play catch with my dad! He's never there to catch the ball, though.

What's yellow and blue and found at the bottom of a pool? A baby with slashed floaties.

I saw some toilet paper rolls rolling in the wind.

So I called, "Toilet Papers Rolling In!"

Your momma's so fat, when she asked for a water bed, they put a blanket over the ocean.

Why did the chicken want to cross the road? Because he was suicidal and wanted to get hit by a car.