The jokes
The teacher told me to put my MP3 away, so I brought out my MP5. Now that bitch knows what not to tell me.
Why did the tall building fall?
It was September 11th.
I just found out I'm colorblind!
The diagnosis came completely out of the orange!
What did the man say when he knocked down the bookshelf?
Looks like I've only got myself to blame...
One day me and my friend Howard the duck went into the bar. I ordered a drink. Howard told the waiter to put it on his... BILL.
What did the skeleton say when his girlfriend said, "I'm gonna break your heart?"
He says, "Go ahead, you're not breaking my 206 healthy bones!"
One day I had the munchies, so I ate a clock. It was very... time consuming.
Why was Timmy the only happy person in his family?
Timmy is dead.
I can measure the speed of an object, because I want to km/s.
What do you call your mom when she goes into the shower?
A shower ma! (shawarma)
Who are the Fastest Readers in the world?
9/11 victims: They read 87 stories in 10 seconds.
I followed the sun for a day (stood there at noon). I found myself at the same spot.
What's the difference between you and an idiot? Not very much if you reword and post the same joke over and over.
There once were 3 men on an airplane and one bit into an apple and said, "This is disgusting!" and threw it out the window. The 2nd man bit into a banana and said, "This is rotten!" and he threw it out the window. The 3rd man bit into a bomb and screamed, "ALL MY TEETH FELL OUT!" and he threw it out the window.
Meanwhile, on the ground, a police officer was walking and he saw a kid crying and he went up to him and asked him why he was crying. He replied, "An apple came flying out of the sky and hit me on the head!" The police officer said, "That is weird," and kept on walking. Then he saw another kid crying and the police officer asked, "Why are you crying?" and he answered, "A banana came flying out of the sky and hit me on the head!" The officer said, "This has been a strange day." Then he sees a kid laughing and he asked why he was laughing and he said, while he was laughing, "My dad farted and the house blew up!"
What did the tree say to the Lumberjack? Leaf me alone!
A man walks into a bar with a slab of concrete under his arm and says, "A beer please! and one for the road!"
Why does the sun get a lot of girls? Because it's hot.
An elderly woman and an elderly man were at a retirement home.
The man was shuffling a deck of cards for a card game.
The man asks, "Is it your first time?"
The woman replies, "It's been a while since a man has asked me that."
Sally jumped out a plane, she forgot her parachute!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Not Sally...
How did she die?
A bomb came down whilst falling through the sky.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
A bomb.
Why was the egg naughty? Because he wanted a good cracking!