The jokes
How many fat people are in my house?
20, counting the kids in the basement.
The Past, Present & Future walked into a bar.
It was tense!
I quit my job at the bank today. I lost interest.
Why didn't the koala make the finals? It got diskoalafied.
Why did the little boy cry?
He had a frog nailed to his face and stapled to each of his fins. The frogs were his personal molesters.
An assassin threatens a planet.
The planet remains calm.
The assassin: "Do you not realize the gravity of this situation?"
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the retard's house.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.
My sister and I were both adopted from the same country, and my parents say they got us on a "two for one special."
So, I was walking down the path of my life with Bigfoot, noticing the two pairs of footprints, mine and his.
One day, I notice his prints are gone. I look up to him and say, "You had promised you would always be there for me. How is this possible?"
He then looks me straight in the eyes and says, "Raw!"
What did the substrate say to the active site?
"C'mon baby, we fit together, open my door lock to f**kin' key."
A priest, a pedo, and a rapist walk into a bar and that's just the first guy.
Two priests are in a bar. One says to the other priest, "I'll swap you two fives for a ten."
Why is the sun lit?
Because it has much solar.
You: Say "addicted" after everything I say.
Person: Uh okay.
You: When you're obsessed with candy you are...?
Person: Addicted.
You: When you're obsessed with drugs you are...?
Person: Addicted.
You: What hit you in the face last night?
Person: Addicted... *laughs*
(It's supposed to sound like "A dick did")
How do you punch 40 kids in the face at once? Hit them with a “Sandy Hook”.
What did the skeleton say to the other skeleton? "You're dead to me."
Why did Sally fall off the swing?
Because there's too many jokes about Sally.
What did the butcher say to the pig?
Nice to meat you.
Why is the bald eagle bald?
Because it has no hair.
It has feathers. LOL.
I always look at the earth and think, "Ahh, this is TREE-ific!"