The jokes
😥This is offensive, sorry: What did the king say to his royal steed? "You gonna start the dishwasher or what?"
Q: Why did the chip run away?
A: His saucy friend tried to jizz on him.
Two husbands walk into a bar.
The first one says, "My wife is an angel."
The second one says, "You're lucky, mine is still alive."
What room does a ghost not want to be in?
The living room.
Why was the Burnside Bridge so hot?
Because it's on the burning side.
Has anybody heard of the guy who passed out in the middle of oncoming traffic? Yeah, he was tired.
What did the cell say when it was dividing?
"It's not you, it's me."
A 23 year old priest walks into a high school with an automatic weapon. He tells those who believe in God to stand up and leave.
To the children who don't leave, he says, "Do not worry my children, I shall make thou 'hole-y' as well."
He then proceeds to shoot all of the students left.
I slip on the wet floor, haha silly water :)
-Kachow!!!!!!!!!!!
-LMQ, You know what comes before lighting? THUNDER KACHIGA
What’s the difference between a mushroom and a tree?
One's a fucking tree.
You're going to suffer the wrath of Gru!
How many dead babies does it take to clean my refrigerator?.....it gotta be more than 4 because the fridge is still dirty.
What’s the difference between a bleeding child and a bleeding chimpanzee?
They're both crazy and now dead.
A retired George W. Bush is eating a donut at 7/11 and looks at it. "I'm so happy I did that." A guy overhears the conversation and says, "You're happy you bought that donut? Oh haha, I would be too. I love donuts!" George W. Bush then says, "Oh hahaha, you caught me," and then says, "Oh hahaha, you must have heard me wrong. I said, I'm so happy I did 9/11."
Why did the grandmother put wheels on her rocking chair?
... she likes to rock and roll lol.
Question: What did the sun say to the little star?
Answer: Are you my SUN?
Jake had sex and broke her hymen, guess he’s Jake the ripper.
Me: Hey Joe, updog.
Joe: What?
Me: Updog.
Joe: What's updog?
*Facepalms*
Me: Lol in the corner.
What's the difference between you and Hitler? At least he knows how to use an oven.
I used to be an adventurer like you, then I took a dick in the ass.