The jokes
You're at your girlfriend's house for a family dinner. Your GF says, "Daddy, please pass me the salt," when you and her father begin to reach for the salt.
I lost my job making storage units for the police after a week. I guess you could say it was a brief case.
Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the “utter” side.
So, a daughter goes to her dad and says, "Daddy, can I borrow the car?" He then tells her, "You know what to do." So then she proceeds to suck him off, almost immediately pulls out in disgust, and says, "Ugh, tastes like shit." Her dad then said, "Damn, I forgot your brother took the car."
What the difference between cats and dogs? They dont have one both taste good
My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend of hers.
To be honest, I should have seen the signs.
What do James Doyle and Hannah Doyle have in common?
John fucked them both in the rear.
What's the difference between a chocolate cake and a dead baby?
About 5000 calories.
What did the bottle of conditioner do on the toilet?
Shampoo.
What did the angler say to his students at the end of his fishing class?
Catch you later!
What is the best part about eating cake? Your mom.
Mom: Go water the plants.
Me: But it’s raining outside.
Mom: Go grab the umbrella.
Me: What???
Did you hear that story "Three Lines in the Sand?" By dickadraggin'.
A man walks to the window and opens it and pulls out his phone and takes a photo. "One more picture and I'll jump." He takes another photo and shuts the window. "I can't jump, you're not supposed to throw trash out the window."
Déjà Vat: the feeling that you’ve heard that bad joke before.
What did the pencil say to the other pencil?
Your looking sharp!
A blond and her brunette friend were chatting about their boyfriends; the brunette goes on and on about how dirty her boyfriend is with her.
To not be outdone, the blond retorts:
"That's nothing! Once we were in the kitchen, I can't believe I didn't see it coming. One minute I turned, and he just got it all on my face! It was so thick and hard! It covered my mouth, my nose, my shoulders, and eyes. It even got in my hair, and when I looked up at him, all he could say was, 'Whoops! The flower went everywhere!'"
What is a retard's favorite race? The grand autismo.
Me: I fucked your mom.
Orphan: I don't have a mom so you fucked the air.
Why did the Texas cow own its own dachshund?
The cowboy told it to "get along little doggie."