The jokes
My uncle got really badly burned the other day.
They don't fuck around at the crematorium.
I called my boss the other Monday and told him I needed the day off because I was sick. He said, "How sick?"
I said, "Well, I'm in bed with my 12-year-old sister."
How do you think the unthinkable? With an iceberg.
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? About half way.
What is 50 Cent's least favorite store?
The dollar store.
Q: How did the explorers get to school?
A: They rode the Colum-bus!
A woman delivers a baby. The doctor takes the baby and throws it, smashing it around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. The mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging “WHYYYY!!??”. The doctor holds the baby upside down by the ankle and says “I’m just fucking with you, it was born dead”.
It was the year 1912. I was in the SS Titanic, and I woke from a dream to think, "I've heard of wet dreams, but is that WATER?"
What does an apple and a gay person have in common?
Both fruits hang in trees out in the Middle East.
Why did the skeleton cross the road? To prove he had guts! :)
Why was the Ethiopian baby crying?
It was having a mid-life crisis.
What's black and screams?
Stevie Wonder answering the iron.
A boy went to a costume party with a girl on his back. Someone asked him what he was supposed to be. He answered, "A turtle."
"Then why do you have a girl on your back?" the guy asked again.
The boy answered, "It's Michelle."
Why did the ox get kicked out of the herd?
Because it wasn't being an ox, it was being a butt-ox...!
There are two cows in a field. One says to the other, "I'm cold. Are you cold?"
The other cow says, "Yeah, I'm Fresian."
The DNA told the tailor he couldn't find his genes.
The DNA told the tailor that he couldn't find his genes.
What game hurts you the more stages you survive?
Cancer.
What did the stop sign say to the street sign when he couldn't read a map?
"Can you give me some pointers?"
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."