The jokes
What's the difference between a magician and a chorus line?
The magician has a cunning array of stunts!
What's the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A rooster clucks defiance!
Why don't the giraffes go to elementary school? Because they are already in high school.
What do elves study in school?
The elf-abet.
Why did the girl study in the tree? She wanted a higher education.
Why did the music teacher need a ladder to reach the really high notes?
What did the pen say to the pencil? You have a point.
Why was the math book so sad? Because it was filled with problems.
Why did the cucumber go to the doctor? Because he wasn't peeling well!
Who is the coolest vegetable?
Rad-ish, of course!
To people who say that depression hits hard...
The car begs to disagree.
The only people who do yo mama jokes wish they had a mom.
Me: When I saw an orphan on the street in rags.
Also me: Are you okay?
Orphan: Yeah, what gave it away?
Me: Because you have no family.
Today was no fun. A rhino escaped from the zoo and ate two parents, and I lost my job as zookeeper.
Why can't the orphan play the game of life? They don't know what a family road trip is. 😆
When I was watching my daughter at the park earlier, another parent asked a man, "Which one is yours?" and he replied, "I'm still choosing." She looked horrified.
The moment when she tells you: "I'm a virgin. Be gentle!" And you tell her, "Don't worry, I used to work with kids."
A man who drinks a lot is told by his wife that if he ever gets drunk again she will leave him.
Later, the man goes to a pub and drinks a lot and throws up all down his jacket. 'Oh no,' he says to his friend, 'if I go home like this again, my wife will leave me.' 'Don't worry,' his friend says. 'Put a £20 note in your jacket pocket. When your wife challenges you, produce the money and say another man threw up on you and gave you the £20 note for the dry cleaning.' 'Brilliant!' the man says and goes home. He walks through his front door and his wife sees him. She is furious. 'No no,' the man says, producing the money from his inside pocket. 'A man threw up on me and gave me £20 for the dry cleaning.' 'What's the other £20 note for?' asks his wife. 'Ah, that's from the man who shat in my pants.....'
What is big and stupid?
The Titanic.
What's the difference Michael Jackson and a play station have in common...
They're both plastic and kids turn them on.