The jokes

A team of cops and a news reporter are at a home where a violent crime has been committed. The head news reporter, in front of the camera, says, "A woman in this house has killed her husband because he stepped on the floor while she was mopping." He then turns around and asks a cop, "Has the woman been arrested yet?" The cop replies, "Not yet, we're waiting for the floor to dry."

What's the best response to a girl saying, 'What's up?'

'If I tell you, will you sit on it?'

What the difference between a priest and acne

Acne waits till your 13 to cum on your face

Jesus walks into a motel, puts three nails on the counter, and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"

I tried being an emo, but I never got the hang of it.

What is the difference between a male prostitute who is a Democrat and a male prostitute who is a Republican?

When Republicans perform fellatio for money, it is called prostitution, but when Democrats perform fellatio for money, it is called a donation to their political campaign.

What did Kobe say to the helicopter?

"Don't crash!"

I was at my grandparents' and saw someone breaking into a car. I told my grandpa, "He's trying to break into the car!" He said, "No, ours is in the garden."

What is the definition of confusion?

Three blind lesbians in a fish market.

What's the difference between a six-year-old and a submarine?

I've never been inside a submarine.

Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg?

He's all right.

Did you hear about the woman who broke up with the man who had a small penis?

When his friends ask how he’s doing, he said, “I wasn’t that into her.”

Did you hear about the guy who got fired for having sex with his clients?

He was a great veterinarian.

Siri is so ugly that she needs to go in the dumpster. She's so ugly that she needs to go in the toilet.

Canada is the Keanu Reeves of countries. Too bad the US is the Kanye West of countries instead of the Dolly Parton of countries.

Your mama so fat, when she walked past the TV, you missed two episodes.

I got told I'm too mean and that I need to think before I speak. So now I take a couple minutes and think of what will REALLY piss the other person off.

An old woman walks into an outdoor supplies store.

"I'd like an infrared gorilla," she says.

The clerk proceeds to give her an infrared gorilla from the back room.

"We've had hundreds of these things in the back for ages," exclaims the clerk. "You're the first person who's actually wanted one."

Why is it so hard to make friends in Antarctica?

Because you cannot break the ice.

I was in a library and a black guy came up to me.

"Where's the coloured printer?" he said.

"Mate, it's 2025, you can use any printer you want," I replied.