SOS jokes

My dog was hungry, so I let him loose outside while I filled his bowl.

I found out later that he was run over by a truck. It seemed to really hit the Spot.

A police officer writes a ticket for a car not being parked correctly. The driver asks why. When he realizes he is parked poorly, he responds, "Oh. I'm terribly sorry. You see, I'm so gay I can't even park straight."

A man looks at his friend and says, "If you and a friend go camping and you two get really drunk, and in the morning you wake up with a condom in your butt, would you tell anyone?" The friend says in a disgusted tone, "No." So the man says, "Okay, let's go camping."

Why were Adam and Eve's sons so much alike? Because Cain was Abel minded!

So we were working with a new client at work, and my boss farts. He said, "A little gas never killed anyone."

Why does the Norway navy have barcodes on the sides of their ships?

So when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.

One day a boy asks his grandfather for some money, and the grandpa says, “Well, can your dick touch your asshole?” To which the boy replied, “No.” So the grandpa says, “Okay,” and leaves it at that and walks off.

A few years later, the boy asks his grandfather for some money again, and his grandfather once again asks, “Can your dick touch your asshole?” To which the boy proudly says, “Yes, it can.” To which the grandpa says, “Good, now go fuck yourself.”

A kid has an older brother that’s a very popular lifeguard. He sees all of the people that talk to his brother, but he’s fairly ignored. So one day he asks his brother why everyone likes him so much. His older brother says, “Well, all you gotta do is stick a potato in your pocket.” So the next day the boy goes back to the pool and he has a potato in his pocket, but everyone is avoiding him even more now. At the end of the day he goes up to his brother and asks why it didn’t work, and his brother says, “Dumbass, you were supposed to put it in the front!”

Child predators: "You're so six-y."

So Stephen Hawking walks into a bar...

Your mom is so fat, every time she turns around, it's her birthday.

Your mom is so fat, she fell down the Grand Canyon and got stuck!

Yo mama is so poor, she asked a homeless guy for money.

Yo momma so dumb, she washes her dishes in the river.

Yo momma so stupid that someone said, "You're not that wealthy," and she went to a doctor.

A man goes to a restaurant and asks for some chili.

The waiter said, "Sorry sir, this is an Asian restaurant."

So he stretches his eyes and says, "Oh herro, can I get some chiri?"

Yo momma so fat, her four kids use her as a bed and her fat rolls as cozy blankets.

Yo momma so fat, she glues together rags as clothes.

Yo mama is so fat, it took Nationwide 15 years to get on her side.

Yo mama so short, she wakes up every day in a brick house singing “Everything is Awesome”.