SOS jokes

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Your mama is so stupid that when she heard drinks were on the house, she grabbed a ladder.

My boyfriend recently asked me to suck his cock. I was kinda nervous because I’ve never tasted a dick, but he said it doesn’t taste that bad, so I’ll give it a shot.

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    • When you send your girl a dick pic, but she says it's small, so you text back and say:

    "Enjoy the little things."

    This Chinese girl didn't know what a sausage roll was, so I replied, "It's like a spring roll with sausage in it, but not any dog or cat how you have it."

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    • An American is touring the Soviet Union. A Russian takes him to a school so he can see what it's like. He asks the kids if they like the Soviet Union. All of the kids say yes, they love it. All but one. That kid bursts out crying. The American asks what's wrong, and he cries, "I want to live in the Soviet Union!"

    Imagine the Russians showing up late to the 1917 revolution with a Tsarbucks in hand. They were late, so I guess they weren't Russian. They were probably Stalin.

    My son is so ungrateful. I bought him a trampoline and he just sat in his wheelchair and cried.

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    • I broke the sink yesterday; the handle just blew right off! My dad was so mad, he blew his stack!

    There is a ghost baseball game and one team loses because of one player so they start booing him!

    So Timmy was walking down the street with his friend Lea. Suddenly a car drives by and Timmy waves at the car.

    Lea looks at him, puzzled, then later asks him; "Why'd you wave at that car back there?"

    Timmy replies "Oh that was my brother, he went to the bar. He must just be driving home..."

    So, about a year ago I was riding a horse, and out of nowhere the horse tried to flip me off it and I fell off. I would have been OK, but my foot got stuck in the stirrup. The horse dragged me along and didn't stop.

    I would have died if it weren't for the Walmart manager who came out and unplugged the horse.

    I named my dog 5-Miles, so now I tell people, "I walk 5-Miles every day."

    A man had moved to a new country with his dog and with basic understanding of the language. One day he heard people talking about a place for dogs, so he took his dog there, telling them he wanted his dog to be groomed.

    The man behind the counter responded with "yes happy dog, come back in little hours." So the man left and came back a couple hours later. When he asked about his dog, he was given a box of jerky. He found out "Happy Dog" was the name of the place where dogs become food.

    Two men are in a rainforest, and one of them is peeing. Suddenly, a snake jumps out of some bushes and bites the man’s penis. The other man says, “Oh my God, I will go to a doctor immediately!” He didn’t have enough time to load the man into the car, so he went straight to the hospital. The man told the doctor what happened, and the doctor said, “You will have to make an incision at the wound and suck the poison out.” The man went back to the other man and said, “There is no hope, you will die.”

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