I've been doing sex moves on myself so I can be ready when I have sex, and by far the funniest thing to do is finger my butt. I go 2 handed sometimes.
(On their 1-2 loss to Watford) Ty: Well, we mustn't forget that it's been raining so...
Robbie: It's been raining???
Ty: Yeah!
Robbie: Are you being serious??? It's raining for both teams!
So cinema.
Your mamma is so fat that even a North Korean missile would have competition.
Yo mama so fat, she is one of the boulders in Indiana Jones.
One time a girl was telling her boyfriend if she could have sex with him for just a little bit, and he said sure, so she just started having sex. She asked him if they could have a baby, but he said sure and started going hard. She told him she was joking, but he wouldn't get off. So she did the 69, and months later, she died, and he said he thinks he killed her with sex.
So, one day a teacher asked, "How many of you have thought of committing suicide?" Half of the class raised their hand, but the teacher said, "Where are Jesse and John?"
Yo mama so fat, when she walked in the room, we missed three seasons of our show!
Yo mama is so ugly that even Donald Trump couldn't be inside her dreams.
Yo mama so fat that when she was on the moon, she had it sent right into the abyss of outer space.
Why are orphans so bad at baseball?
Most likely because they can't find home.
Ariana Grande had 7 husbands, so she had 7 rings.
Hi Alex, you will probably not see this till the morning, but I just wanted to say I have had fun since you were here. Also, thank you so much for protecting me and being there for me. And yeah, have a good day!
Bully: "I would roast you but my mom told me not to burn trash."
Me: "So that's why you haven't burnt yourself yet." 🤔
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.
The frog says $30,000.
The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
Three men walk into heaven at the same time. They all live in the same city. God asks the first man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I have a heart condition, and I've been suspecting my wife of cheating for some time. Anyway, I get home from work and I see my wife on the bed and a man hanging off the balcony. I get so mad and stomp on the guy's fingers! He falls into a bush, so I throw a refrigerator on him." God asks the next man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I was cleaning the windows, and then this crazy man starts stomping on my fingers! Luckily, I fall safely in a bush! But then a refrigerator falls on me!" God asks the third man, and he says, "I was the one in the fridge!"
A cemetery should be built next to orphanages, so the orphans can see their parents.
So an ace gets handed a piece of paper and it says, "Do you like me or no?" and the ace says, "I'm not registered to vote!" Hahahahahahahahjajqh.
To Tina: Hi, love, you're my oldest and dearest friend. I will love you for as long as I live. I luvv you so much, my sweetest, dearest darling.
I was stark nude. Hehe, I was. I truly and sincerely was.
The nurses giggled and said, "Joseph, why the hell is your wiener so loving?"
My penis purred and stroked their hands. I laughed and said, "I do not know."
