I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around.”
My girlfriend’s dog died, so I bought her another, identical one.
She just screamed at me and said: “What am I meant to do with two dead dogs?!?”
I thought opening a door for a lady was good manners, but she just screamed and flew out of the plane.
Your Mom is so friking fat, that when she ripped her pants and went to the seamster, they said, "We don't sew curtains!"
Yesterday a woman stabbed me, so I stabbed her back. Then I realized she was the vaccine woman.
Yo mama's so fat, when she went on the scale it said, "Still counting."
Yo mama's so fat, she's both in the Atlantic and Pacific ocean.
Yo mama so fat, she was the iceberg that sank the Titanic.
Mom: Son, where are my condoms?
Son: What are condoms?
Dad: She puts it on me and the sandwich.
Son: Wait, why did my girlfriend come over and take one?
Dad: Um, I don't know, but go to bed.
Son: But it's 2:46pm in the afternoon, bruh.
Yo mama is so ugly, when she looked at the mirror, I cracked up.
A: Why did Sally fall off the swing?
B: Why?
A: Because she has no arms.
Knock, knock.
B: Who's there?
A: Not Sally.
Joe was eating ice cream while walking on the street. He dropped his ice cream. Why?
B: I don't know, why?
A: Because Sally was driving the car.
HAIKU JOKE:
Helen Keller could Fuck a blind man so hard that she Ends up with his child.
Yo mama's so fat, she's a feminist!
Women say men are trash.
Yet men made the phone, laptops, computer and electrical hardware she uses to say men are trash, never mind the electricity she uses to power those devices...
Your mum is so fat that when she sat on the toilet, she couldn't because her fat ass can't fit on the toilet seat.
Yo mama so stupid, she went to Dr. Pepper for a check up.
Your mom is so fat that when she fell on the sidewalk, nobody laughed, but the sidewalk cracked up.
Your mother is so fat, she actually went on a diet and started exercising, and I hear she's doing quite well now.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high and grabbed her thigh and said, "I know you wanna." Jack undressed, and she pulled up her dress so they could have some fun. But stupid Jill forgot her pill, and now they have a son.
Yo mama is so stupid, she thought Pillsbury was a fruit.
