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Rib

Rib jokes

A black n***a crashes a neighborhood barbecue, bragging about his 'hood credentials' while hogging all the ribs and collard greens. The host calls him out, 'Yo, pay up or get out. Ain't no freebies here.' He laughs it off, 'Man, I run this block!' But the host's burly brother, who's been grilling the whole time, snarls, 'Wrong, fool. Time to settle the score.' He pins him against the picnic table, wraps a chain leash around his neck from the dog run, edges him with a vibrating basting brush slathered in hot sauce, and then plows his ass deep and hard, grunting, 'Now you're the main course, spicier than the jerk chicken!'

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    • 1. What was the skeleton doing at the hockey game?

    Driving the zam-bony.

    2. Why are skeletons so calm?

    Because nothing gets under their skin.

    3. Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance?

    Because he had nobody to dance with.

    4. What do you call a skeleton with no friends?

    Bonely.

    5. What’s a skeleton’s favorite plant?

    A bone-zai.

    6. Why can’t skeletons play church music?

    Because they have no organs.

    7. What do you call a skeleton who goes out in the snow?

    A numb-skull.

    8. Why didn’t the skeleton laugh at the joke?

    Because he didn’t have a funny bone.

    9. What does a skeleton order at a restaurant?

    Spare ribs.

    10. How do French skeletons say hello?

    “Bone-jour!”

    11. What do you call a skeleton who rings the doorbell?

    A dead ringer.

    12. Who won the skeleton beauty contest?

    No body.

    13. What did one skeleton say to the other skeleton?

    “You’re dead to me.”

    14. Why didn’t the skeleton play football?

    His heart wasn’t in it.

    15. Why did the skeleton go to jail?

    Because he was bad to the bone.

    16. Why did the skeleton start a fight?

    Because he had a bone to pick.

    17. What did the skeleton say to his girlfriend?

    “Will you marrow me?”

    18. When does a skeleton laugh?

    When someone tickles his funny bone.

    19. What do you call a skeleton who goes to school but doesn’t do any work?

    Lazy bones.

    20. Why do skeletons hate the cold?

    It sends chills up their spine.

    21. What do you call a skeleton snake?

    A rattler.

    22. How did the skeleton know it was going to rain?

    He could feel it in his bones.

    23. Did you hear about the skeleton who dropped out of medical school?

    He didn’t have the stomach for it.

    24. What happened to the skeleton who sat by the fire too long?

    He became bone dry.

    25. What kind of TV does a skeleton watch?

    A skelevision.

    26. What happened to the pirate ship that sank in a sea full of sharks?

    It came back with a skeleton crew.

    27. What kind of dishes do skeletons serve tea on?

    Bone china.

    28. What is a skeleton’s favorite mode of transport?

    A scare-plane.

    29. What does a skeleton fly in if his scare-plane isn’t available?

    A skele-copter.

    30. What do skeletons say when they set off to sea?

    “Bone voyage!”

    31. What type of candy sent the skeleton to the hospital?

    Jawbreakers.

    32. What do skeletons hate the most about the wind?

    Nothing. It goes right through them.

    33. Why didn’t the skeleton rob the bank?

    Because he didn’t have the guts.

    34. What is a skeleton’s favorite instrument?

    A trom-bone.

    35. What’s a skeleton’s second favorite instrument?

    A sax-a-bone.

    36. What is a skeleton’s favorite type of film to watch?

    A spine-tingler.

    37. Why did the skeleton climb up the tree?

    Because a dog was after his bones!

    38. Who is the most famous French skeleton?

    Napolean Bone-aparte.

    39. What did the skeleton say to the vampire?

    “You suck.”

    40. Who is the most famous skeleton detective?

    Sherlock Bones.

    41. What did the doctor say to the skeleton who had a temperature of 103 degrees?

    “Looks like you are running a femur.”

    42. What’s a skeleton’s favorite rock band?

    The Grateful Dead.

    43. What kind of fish do skeletons like to eat?

    Carpals.

    44. What’s a skeleton’s next favorite rock band?

    Bone Jovi.

    45. Why did the skeleton go to the dance?

    To see the boogie man.

    46. What is half the diameter of a skeletal circle?

    The radius.

    47. Why did the skeleton student stay late at school?

    He was boning up for his exam.

    48. What do bony people use to get into their homes?

    A skeleton key.

    49. What do you call a skeleton who hangs out in coffee shops and listens to indie music?

    A hip-ster.

    50. What is a skeleton’s favorite thing to do with their cell phone?

    Take skelfies.

    51. Why couldn’t the police arrest the skeleton?

    They couldn’t pin anything on him.

    52. How did the skeleton know the other skeleton was lying?

    He could see right through him.

    53. What Spanish food do skeletons enjoy most?

    Patella.

    54. What did the skeleton say when he went riding on his motorcycle?

    “I’m bone to be wild!”

    55. Why did the skeleton go to the hospital?

    To have his ghoul bladder removed.

    56. What do you call a lie told by a skeleton?

    A fibula.

    57. What did the skeleton say to his wife?

    “I love every bone in your body.”

    58. What job on a construction site is best suited to a skeleton?

    Cranium operator.

    59. What’s a skeleton’s least favorite room in the house?

    The living room.

    60. How did skeletons send mail back in the olden days?

    The Bony Express.

    61. How much does an elephant skeleton weigh?

    Skele-tons.

    62. What type of art do skeletons like?

    Skulltures!

    63. What do skeletons complain about?

    Aching bones.

    64. Why do skeletons drink so much milk?

    It’s good for the bones!

    65. Why did the skeleton go to acting classes?

    He wanted tibia star.

    66. Where do bad jokes about skeletons belong?

    In the skelebin.

    67. Why can’t skeletons fly over Area 51?

    It’s a no-fly bone.

    68. What kind of pasta do skeletons enjoy eating the most?

    Elbow mac

    Why did God steal a rib from Adam and make a woman out of it?

    God wanted to show that nothing sensible can come of stealing!

    Yesterday, I was babysitting this woman's child. Everything was going perfectly.

    I got hungry and called the mother. I asked if she wanted the baby back ribs I was cooking, but she said she didn't want any.

    When she arrived she started screaming and ran to her child. I don't see why she was so upset, she said she didn't want any.

    I have a better method of abortion than currently used. It's like a regular one, except you can get free food out of it... We're about to give baby-back ribs a whole new meaning.

    True Story

    A CO was receiving inmates as they're being recalled from their assigned jobs to prepare for count. An inmate that had passed the officer returned bleeding through his trousers from his crotch. The inmate had an argument with his lover who had told him that he wasn't enough woman for him. As the inmate was bleeding he was crying out, "He doesn't love me anymore!"

    The officer called for medical assistance and went into the assigned cell. He found the severed penis. He fished it out of the toilet and placed it in a plastic bag with ice. He claimed that the medical staff at the hospital could reattach it. He took a ribbing from his fellow officers, because most would've flushed it. I retired and months later saw a fellow officer at the store. As we caught up, I mentioned that the last incident I responded to was 'the severed penis.' The officer tells me that the inmate severed his penis again after it was reattached and flushed it himself.

    What did the skeleton say to the other skeleton? "I've got a bone to pick with you!"

    That was a real rib tickler. I've got a skele-TON more of the skele-PUNS!

    I just finished my fourth round of baby back ribs. For some reason, everyone else at the abortion center is staring at me.

    You’ll parsley believe how many puns I have. Hopefully your funny-bone isn’t broken because these are real rib-ticklers.

    A drunk walks out of a bar late at night and sees a nun walking past on the footpath. He utters something hateful to himself as he begins running, building momentum before launching himself at the nun, catching her with a massive superman punch to the back of the head, knocking her tumbling brutally to the pavement.

    He proceeded with a swift kicking to the nun's ribs and spine before grabbing the nun by the scruff of her habit and lifting her limp to her feet till face to face. Looking the nun dead in her eyes with menace, the drunk victoriously growled, "You're not so bloody tough tonight, are ya, Batman?"

    Tibia honest, it takes a lot of spine to memorize all the bones in the skeletal system. I mean, there's a skele-ton of em! You gotta be boned up for the skeletal system exam, buddy chum pal. Now that was a humerus ribtickling skelepun. Besides, if ya don't know all of the bones in the skeletal system, get boned, fucking numbskull. Did those tickle your funny bone? Now I've been working down to the bone typing these puns, kid. Now if you hate all these, I won't be bothered, I got thick skin! But first, lemme take a skelfie in the skelevator playing my trom-bone. Now, I gotta go to Grillby's. They got a discount on spare-ribs. Bone-voyage, my homeslice breadslice dawg.

    Sans: Pap, your spaghetti is bonearific.

    PaprUs: Sans, no. Aw, your funny bone is not working; come on, that one was a rib tickler.

    I'm bone dry in material, but I have a skeleTON of skeleton jokes. After I tell you all these rib ticklers, you will have a bone to pick with if you didn't find that funny, you outta rip my spine out.