What do you call someone who points out the obvious? Someone who points out the obvious.
I wanted some breakfast, so I grabbed some Life cereal.
I poured it, but lemons came out. So I said, "Well, when life gives you lemons!"
My wife told me I was immature. I just told her to get out of my pillow fort.
Did you hear on the news that a midget psychic broke out of jail?
There is a small medium at large.
Stephen Hawking is a real stand up guy, out-standing performance.
There was a man in a wheelchair, and he got knocked out in front of a bus. He had a wheelie good life!
Chuck Norris doesn't zoom out; everything moves backwards.
Why does Mexico never hold the Olympics? Because everyone that can run, jump, and swim is already out of the country.
What did the grape say when the elephant sat on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
How do you boil holy water?... You boil the hell out of it!
There were these three men, their names were Shit, Shut up, and Manners. One day they were riding in their car and Shit fell out so Manners went out to pick shit up and shut up went to the police station. when he got there the police officer said "What's your name son?" and Shut up said "Shut up." the officer replies with "Ummm...excuse me?!" and shut up said "Shut up!" and the officer said "Boy, where are your manners?" and Shut up said "Round the corner picking up Shit!"
Yo mama so fat that when she sits down, the earth falls out of the Solar System.
Two pedos are on the beach.
One pedo said, "Hey, get out of my son!"
A drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him:
Wife: "Why is your face all bloody?"
Husband: "I was so drunk that I couldn't stand up, so I kept falling on my face!"
Wife: "Idiot. You left your wheelchair at the bar!"
How do you make 7 an even number? Take the "s" out!
What don't blind people like bungee jumping?
Because it scares the fuck out of dogs!
How do you get bubblegum out of your hair?
Cancer.
There were three Indians that got kicked out of the tribe.
One said, "Me find food," and he came back with a decent size rabbit. The other two asked him what happened. He said, "Me see rabbit, me shoot rabbit, and rabbit fall down dead."
The 2nd Indian, "Me find food." He came back with a good sized deer. The other two asked him what happened. He said, "Me see deer, me shoot deer, deer fall down dead."
The third Indian said, "Me find food." He came back crawling, missing a leg and an arm, and he was all cut up. The others asked what happened. He said, "Me see train, me shoot train, train no stop!"
What did the pedophile say when he got out of prison?
I feel like a kid again.
