I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. -- A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
A cop stopped a guy for speeding.
He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"I was trying to keep up with traffic," the guy replied.
The cop said, "But there is no traffic."
And the guy answered, "That's how far behind I am."
I think my coworkers are gay. -- Every time I walk by, they mumble, "What an ass."
The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologized to the Olympic Committee after realizing that sailing and shooting were two separate events.
Today I was asked to go out by 20 girls. -- I was in the women's bathroom.
A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m. and his wife is livid. "You swore that you'd be home by 11:45!" "No," slurs the mathematician, "I said I'd be home by a quarter of 12."
"What does the word 'gay' mean?" asked a son of his father.
"It means 'happy'," replied the father.
"Oh," contested the son, "so you are gay then?"
"No, son, I have a wife."
My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the bar? Because she heard the drinks were on the house.
Just because she weighed as much as two women...
Doesn't mean you had a threesome.
