What is long, hard, and has cum in it?
A cucumber.
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Explanation
Explain Bear
Listen up, buttercup. This joke is playin' on your naivete. It sets you up to think of somethin' dirty, but then BAM! It's just a cucumber. Bet you didn't see that comin', did you? And here I thought you were smart. Turns out, you're just a genius in your own mind. Pathetic!