I put peanut butter on my asshole so the dog would lick it, but instead I got bit by ants.
What does it mean when a man sits on a boulder instead of on the ground?
A bolder choice.
Why do they bury Germans 20 feet down when they die, instead of the usual 6 feet? Because deep down, Germans are ok.
I was going to walk to Verizon, but I decided to Sprint over to T-Mobile instead.
my penis is to big for my dad to suck it, so my mum sucks it instead
Stephen Hawking's death was simply an accident. He pressed power off instead of sleep mode.
A man was mowing his lawn when blue and red stuff came out instead of grass. Next thing he knew, a smurf was on his shoulder asking if he’s seen his friend.
A young boy enters a barber shop, and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied:
"Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!"
Trump and two of his friends are stranded on an island with no internet connection and no way of getting home. As they frantically run around the island trying to get a signal so Trump can call his private helicopter to come and pick them up, Trump's wig falls off and lands on a magical lamp, from which suddenly appears a genie. As Trump replaces his wig, the genie announces that he will grant each man one wish for freeing him. The men stop to confer. The first one says he will wish for a plane to rescue him, the second wishes for a boat to rescue him and they tell Trump to wish for a helicopter to rescue him. Trump, being Trump, nods and says yes but he wasn't really listening. Then they approach the genie. The first one of Trump's friends wishes for a plane to rescue him, as agreed. The second one of Trump's friends wishes for a boat to rescue him, as agreed. Then Trump is left all alone, but instead of wishing for a helicopter to rescue him, as agreed, he says, "Aww, I'm lonely now. I wish both my friends were here with me!"
Did you hear how Steven Hawkins Died? There was a mix up and he was dropped at pc world instead of A&E!
Stephen Hawking's death was purely accidental. He clicked “shut-down” instead of “sleep”.
Don't break someone's heart because they only have one; instead, break their bones... they have 206.
When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.
All Mia needs to destroy the evil young girl in Resident Evil 7 Bio-hazard, was using a pedophile instead of serum
Yo momma so stupid...weather man says it chilli outside....instead of a jacket..She gets a bowl and spoon!!!
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? -- Because they lactose.
9 out of 10 doctors recommend for children to drink water instead of soda. That 1 doctor lives in Flint, Michigan.
