Hes jokes

My uncle got sued from NASA the other day. He claimed to be the first one to enter Uranus.

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.

He yelled, "Doctor! Doctor! I can't feel my legs!"

The Doctor replies, "I know, I amputated your arms."

Susie was in her mother's room one night, as her mother was getting ready for bed. She had slipped off her blouse; her boobs, plum and perky. Susie had asked what are those and will I get them? Her mother had said they were boobs and she would grow some in a few years. Her mother told Susie to find her father and say goodnight.

So Susie left, headed down the hall to the bathroom where her father was showering. Susie knocked on the door, he said come in. He had moved the shower curtain over just a bit. Susie said she loved him, and then seen her father's dick. Shocked, Susie asked her father what that was and if she would get one. Her father said it was a dick, and he said Susie would get it after her mother went to bed.

A boy and girl in high school started dating for a while and things were going so well that the girl decided to invite the boy on a weekend trip. She said, "I want you to come spend the weekend at our lakehouse and meet my parents. While we're there, I'd also like to take our relationship to the next level." "I'm there," the boy replied.

The boy was so excited that he ran straight to the pharmacy to pick up some protection. He walked up to the pharmacist and told him about his weekend to come and said he needed some condoms. The pharmacist asked, "Do you want the 3 pack, 6 pack, or family sized 24 pack?" The boy replied, "I plan on getting busy all weekend. I'm not gonna stop pounding her till I'm black and blue. Give me the family pack." "Sure thing," said the pharmacist.

That weekend the boy went to the lakehouse and the whole family was sitting down at the dinner table to pray. The girl's father asked the boy to say grace. The boy prayed and prayed. Almost ten minutes went by. Finally, the girl leaned over to the boy and said, "You never told me that you were so religious." The boy replied, "You never told me that your dad was a pharmacist."

There was a Mexican magician. He was going to disappear on the count of three.

1-2-..... and he left without a trace.

Why did the teacher get arrested?

He gave the orphan homework!

Did you hear about the gay choirboy?

He choked on his first hymn.

Michael Jackson, who's terrified of adult women, once had a girlfriend, but broke it off with her. When she asked him why, he said, "It's not you, it's me-hee-hee."

Why did Severus Snape cross the road wearing an invisibility cloak?

So no one would know what side he was on.

My husband told me he just came into a lot of money.

Weird, he usually uses a sock.

Did you hear about the woman who broke up with the man who had a small penis?

When his friends ask how he’s doing, he said, “I wasn’t that into her.”

I was at my grandparents' and saw someone breaking into a car. I told my grandpa, "He's trying to break into the car!" He said, "No, ours is in the garden."

The girl asks her boyfriend, "Are you jealous of my heart?"

He says, "No."

She says, "Because it's pumping in me and you're not."

Two guys in a car get pulled over by a cop. The cop taps the window, and the window rolls down. "Good evening, gentlemen, we're looking for two pedophiles."

The guy quickly closes the window. Ten seconds later, he lowers it again and says, "Ok, we'll do it."

Q: What did the chemist say when he found two isotopes of Helium?

A: HeHe.

What did the man say when he swallowed a clock and tried to go to the bathroom?

WATCH OUT!!!

I went to a library and I started to make fun of a disabled guy. He started crying, and I said, "Stand up for yourself!"

I love telling dad jokes. He always laughs.

Chuck Norris heard that nothing in the world could kill him.

So he tracked down nothing in the world and killed it.

"Poor old fool," thought the gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. He invited the old man inside for a drink.

The gentleman asked, "So how many have you caught today?"

The old man replied, "You're the eighth."