I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks.
I didn't want to interrupt her.
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. But if I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. -- A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles. If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.
Apparently, Monica Lewinsky didn't vote for Hillary Clinton this election. She said the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.
Tell a woman she's beautiful a hundred times, and she won't believe you. Tell a woman she's fat once, and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.
Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
My wife left me for an Indian guy. I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
Why was the homeless lady only wearing one sock?
She started her period.
Yo mama so poor, the ducks throw bread at her.
Yo mama so fat, her blood type is Nutella.
Yo mama so fat, she has her own event horizon.
Yo mama so fat, her blood type is mayonnaise.
Yo mama so fat, NASA has a satellite orbiting around her.
Yo mama so stupid, I told her Christmas was right around the corner--and she looked.
Yo mama is so fat, a rogue shadowstepped her and got a loading screen.
Yo mama is so fat, it takes two warlocks to summon her.
Yo mama is so fat, she takes her selfies in panoramic mode.
Yo mama is so ugly, her portraits hang themselves.
