Helpline jokes

I didn't mean to call an Afghanistan hotline. I told them I was depressed, then they asked if I know how to drive a truck. I don't know how that has anything to do with it!

I called the rape advice line last night. Turns out it's just for victims.

me: calls suicide hotline. hotline lady: suicide hotline, how are you doing today? me: not much, just hanging.

I called a Suicide Helpline, but they didn't help me commit suicide.

Tbh they really left me hanging there.

I was sad, so I called the depression hotline. Turns out the depression hotline is where people roast you until you are depressed.

I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today. Unfortunately, it's only for victims.

One day there was a frantic call at the fire department:

"Help me, help me! There is a cat meowing nearby. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me, can you help me, and send the fire squad right away?"

"Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax and wait until he leaves."

"You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me, it is going to be fatal!"

"Cats aren’t venomous or in any other way dangerous, now who is calling?"

"I’m Indy's parrot you twit! Now help me! Please help, please help!"

Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.

The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.

The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"

Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just told me!" and the manager leaves him to his job.

A few minutes, later Dave's phone rings.

"Hello?" Dave answers. No response for a few seconds, then a voice appears.

"My wife cheated on me," a man says. The man on the other end of the line is clearly depressed.

"I'm sorry to hear that," Dave says.

"I found out that she's been doing it for months; she says I don't treat her well enough. She's filing for divorce and threatening to take the kids from me. I don't know what to do. I just took up drinking and gambling, the pain goes away at first but it always comes back. I don't think I can even afford to see a psychiatrist; money is tight as it always is. I wish I could manage my finances better... I just don't see any way out. I think the only thing I can do that makes sense is to just kill myself."

Dave pauses for a moment, thinks, and then he asks:

"Wouldn't it make more sense to kill her?"

When I called the suicide hotline in Afghanistan, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

The suicide hotline didn't even give me advice on how to kill myself. Not helpful at all.

If you call the number 800-273-8500 in Afghanistan, they say, "Can you fly a plane?"

Depressed caller: "I'm done with everything!"

Responder: "Please hang on!"

911 help. Hello?

Never mind, forget it. You're so stupid 😡😡😡😡😏