Helpline jokes

When I called the suicide hotline in Afghanistan, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today. Unfortunately, it's only for victims.

The suicide hotline didn't even give me advice on how to kill myself. Not helpful at all.

I called the rape advice line last night. Turns out it's just for victims.

I called a Suicide Helpline, but they didn't help me commit suicide.

Tbh they really left me hanging there.

me: calls suicide hotline. hotline lady: suicide hotline, how are you doing today? me: not much, just hanging.

I was sad, so I called the depression hotline. Turns out the depression hotline is where people roast you until you are depressed.

I didn't mean to call an Afghanistan hotline. I told them I was depressed, then they asked if I know how to drive a truck. I don't know how that has anything to do with it!

One day there was a frantic call at the fire department:

"Help me, help me! There is a cat meowing nearby. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me, can you help me, and send the fire squad right away?"

"Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax and wait until he leaves."

"You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me, it is going to be fatal!"

"Cats aren’t venomous or in any other way dangerous, now who is calling?"

"I’m Indy's parrot you twit! Now help me! Please help, please help!"

Depressed caller: "I'm done with everything!"

Responder: "Please hang on!"

When someone calls you, say this: "Hi, welcome to Dave’s Orphanage. You make them, we take them. How may I help you?"

"What do we want?"

"HEARING AIDS!"

"When do we want them?"

"HEARING AIDS!"

When you call the Middle Eastern suicide hotline, they ask you if you can fly a plane.