Happening jokes
A guy is due to meet his friends for drinks at a bar but arrives late. When he does eventually turn up his friends ask why he is late.
The guy says, "Well, you won't believe what just happened. I was walking my usual route via the rail tracks when suddenly I saw a young, naked woman tied up next to the tracks. Of course I untied her and we had sex because I freed her."
The friends are cheering and one friend asks, "So... did you get any head?"
The guy replies, "No, I couldn't find it."
Three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face.
The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the coroner.
"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The inspector then asks, "What about the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" asks the inspector.
"He thought he was having his picture taken."
What happened to the eight-year-old boy that needed to go to the bathroom during church?
The priest stopped him on the way there.
Say "joke" 5 times.
Oh, nothing happened.
Do nothing about people falling down the stairs, it will keep happening.
Put razor blades on the stairs, it will be their last time falling down the stairs.
What happens when you get a virus-related sickness? It goes viral on Twitter!
Stormtrooper: What happened to the Jedi Order?
Palpatine: Slew it!
Stormtrooper: What happened with your garden?
Palpatine: Grew it.
An Irish man walks out of a bar. It can happen.
Two men are in a rainforest, and one of them is peeing. Suddenly, a snake jumps out of some bushes and bites the man’s penis. The other man says, “Oh my God, I will go to a doctor immediately!” He didn’t have enough time to load the man into the car, so he went straight to the hospital. The man told the doctor what happened, and the doctor said, “You will have to make an incision at the wound and suck the poison out.” The man went back to the other man and said, “There is no hope, you will die.”
Q: Did you hear about the Twin Towers?
A: No, what happened?
Q: Apparently, the design was fundamentally floored!
What happens when you search nudes on my phone?
Nothing, I don't have any.
What happens when you throw water on Stephen Hawking?
He says, "Oh fuck fuck fuck!"
Kid: “What happened to Dad?”
Mom: “He flew into the Twin Towers.”
Kid: "Mom, what happened to Jim?"
Mom: "He got inside a white van."
What happens when you throw an underage boy between two Catholic priests?
They fight and... You know the rest.
A blonde crashed a helicopter. A police officer asked her what happened. She says, "It got cold so I turned off the fan."
What happens when you cross a rhetorical question with a joke?
What happens if you sit under a cow?
You get a pat on the head.
A man went to the doctor, and the doctor said, "What happened to you?"
The man replied and said, "I broke my arm in two places!"
Then the doctor replied with, "DON’T GO BACK TO THOSE TWO PLACES!!"