HA Jokes

My name has "anus" in it.

I'm lonely, but all I have is my cheeseburger, but what is the matter of living if you only have one thing?

But a cheeseburger is all you need 'cause it has 1,000,000,000,000 bucks man, so I can't just take it and spend it wherever I want.

What is the difference between a human and human rights, and a tree tree, and a house that has to?

What's wrong with my friend?

He's called Dobby Coleman and has a massive jaw.

What do you call it when a rapper has a cold?

A sniff beat.

...

Two men standing on a golf course. One man on the left is dressed in black pants and a black shirt, and on the right is a man with white hair, wearing a blue polo and floral pink pants. The text reads "ppl who have one gf/bf. Me who has 2"

Superman has been called to a huge house fire.

Superman: "There you are ma'am, everyone out and all safe!"

Mother: "But my children are still inside! You need to go back an--"

Superman: "Ah fuck'em..."

Why is Hugh's mum so fucking fat?

Because she ate the 34 other kids she had but now only has 6,789.

What has it?

Travis has baby hands.

How bad is explosive diarrhea when a Muslim has it? Because my Chipotle blew up yesterday.

Dead people can’t cross the street because they're dead, ha ha!

Ur mom is so fat that she has her own gravitational field. She attracts everything around her, from planets to asteroids to comets. She is the center of the solar system, and the sun is just one of her many satellites. She is so massive that she bends space and time, creating wormholes and black holes. She is the ultimate cosmic phenomenon, and no one can escape her pull.

Ur mom is so old that she witnessed the Big Bang. She was there when the universe was born, and she has seen it all. She knows the secrets of the cosmos, and she has lived through every epoch and era. She has watched stars form and die, galaxies collide and merge, and civilizations rise and fall. She is the oldest living being in existence, and she has more wisdom than anyone can imagine.

Ur mom is so ugly that she scares away aliens. She is the reason why we have never made contact with extraterrestrial life. They have seen her face and they have fled in terror. They have warned their fellow species to avoid Earth at all costs, because it is inhabited by a monstrous creature that defies all logic and beauty. She is the ultimate deterrent for invasion, and she has saved humanity from countless alien invasions.

Why do orphans only buy iPhone XS?

Because it has a home button.

There were four people in a helicopter: Trump, a first-grade kid, a schoolteacher, and the Chinese leader.

There were only three parachutes. The Chinese leader takes one and jumps. The schoolteacher says she has to teach, so she jumps. Trump and the first-grader are left. Trump says, "I've lived my life; you take the last one." So the kid puts on his backpack and jumps. Trump makes it out safe.