My wife is so fat. I finally got up the energy to walk around to the other side. I found someone else!
whats an orphans favorite sport? baseball because they finally have a home
Chiropractor: Final neck adjustment in 3, 2, 1. How did that feel?
Me: *silence*
my gay ass: i want to find jesus religous mom: FINALLY me: grabs a noose
There was a orphan once and someone knocks on his door and said "hello son come and hug me" but the orphan says "excuse me who are you?" and the guy says "you dont remember me im your dad" and then the orphan says "fine then if your really my dad, come inside and let me asked you some questions" and the man says "ok then but i am really your dad" then the orphan asked some questions to the man and the man gets some of them right so the orphan believes that the man is his dad and then the orphan says "you really are my dad?" and then he shows his dad his house and the orphan has a room mate and the dad and the orpahn finally get to then bedroom and then the dad knocks out the orphan and then the dad starts to have something with the orphan / son and the room mate hears weird noises in the orphans / sons room and he walks in and see them having seggs and the room mate records it but then kicks out the dad out f the house and then the room mate shares the video to the orphans school chat and then the next day the dad gets arrested because he was actually a gay nonce and everybody at the orphans school call him gay but he really isnt but since he was mad and disgusted he pulled a AK47 out of his bag and kills everybody in the school and was never seen again.
Btw this is a joke so dont take it seriously.
A 10 year old girl lays in her bed and excitedly waits for Santa to come. When Santa eventually comes she giggles, shivers and orgasms. Finally, as a special thank you, she sucks off Santaβs wet cock
A father came to his daughters 18th birthday he finally came
What were my final words to Putin before I put a bullet through his head ?!
Answer: Putin Putout !!!
I finally got a girlfriend. Her name is Remington Model 32
So do you guys know those waterslides that you stand in, and then they suddenly drop you straight down onto the water slide? If not, look them up on YouTube, there's nothing like them.
Ah yes, the sweet memories of my first time on one of these. I feel that my mental/emotional scars have healed enough to tell this gem.
At the time my girlfriend, now FiancΓ©e, worked as a photographer for one of those resorts with the indoor and outdoor water parks. One of her perks was that her and a family member/friend could get into the waterpark for free, so one hot summer day she had off and we both decided it'd be fun to go there and cool down for the day.
While we were there, I discovered one of there most "Thrilling" looking waterslides. Basically you stand in this tube, and then the slide operator presses a button and this slide drops you straight down a good 90 FEET, before you actually start going down the water slide. Me, being a thrill seeker, of course had to try it. So I made the great climb up to the top of the slide, stood in line, and finally it was my turn. Once I got in the tube, the operator told me to keep my legs crossed. Now I'm a pretty big heavy guy, so I was like "That's uncomfortable as fuck, I'm not doing that". So there I was standing in the tube, having a panic attack from anticipation, with my legs not crossed. The operator finally presses the button, the bottom opens and I fall straight down the water slide. Very quickly I realized why they have you cross your legs. Water shot so far up my ass, so fast, I swear I tasted it in my mouth. My body raced down that slide, as I questioned every life choice that I have ever made.
Once I made it to the bottom, I sat there for a moment, absolutely violated. I felt like someone in an episode of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. I built up the courage to finally stand up, and all I could feel was the nice warm stream of water mixed with shit, and maybe a little bit of blood shoot out of my ass faster than the Steamboat Geyser at Yellowstone National Park. I quickly got off the slide and ran to the bathroom, with a trail of shitty water tailing me as the slide operator stared in awe. They had to shut down the slide for the rest of the day :'), but man was my asshole clean after that!
Moral of the story: Keep your damn legs crossed on waterslides.
Same thing goes when you are at bible study with a handsy priest.
Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion in less than five moves. Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
why did the orphan cross the road?
to finally get his milk.
A women decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, βI hope you donβt mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?β.
βAbout 32,β is the reply.β
βNope! Iβm exactly 50,β the woman says happily.<br> A little while later she goes into McDonaldβs and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, βIβd guess about 29.β The woman replies with a big smile, βNope, Iβm 50.β
Now sheβs feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, βOh, Iβd say 30.β
Again she proudly responds, βIβm 50, but thank you!β
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, βLady, Iβm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.β
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, βWhat the hell, go ahead.β
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, βOkay, okay.....How old am I?β
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, βMadam, you are 50.β
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, βThat was incredible, how could you tell?β
βI was behind you at McDonaldsβ.
It looks like Kevin Magnussen finally got pole position.
He has the bragging rights that he took over Russia now.
