DoS

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Tried committing suicide last night...

Never doing that shit again, I almost killed myself!

Why do Nazis not wear necklaces, rings, and bracelets? Because they hate jewelry.

A husband and wife at custody court. The judge looks sternly at the ex-wife.

Judge: "Why do you think you deserve custody of the child?"

Ex-wife: "I brought him into this world, so I should have custody of him."

Judge: "That is a simple yet good reason."

Then the judge looks toward the ex-husband.

Judge: "Why do you think you deserve custody of the child, sir?"

The ex-husband thought long and hard about his response. After a brief moment of silence, he replies, "If I put money into a Pepsi machine and a Pepsi comes out, is it mine or the machine's?"

What do a blind person and an orphan have in common?

They both cannot see their family.

Why do orphans like to go to church?

So they have someone to call father.

If you're bored, punch an orphan in the face. What is he gonna do, tell his parents?

What do your girlfriend and a pool have in common? They both cost a lot of money for the amount of time you’re inside them.