On my 21st Birthday my mom told me I got a nice birthday present for you. As the son and only child your going to to get something good and something you been looking forward to is what my mom said. Me my mom and my on;y friend celebrate my Birthday then we all went to sleep I woke up the next day I ask hey where my gift you said you got me. My mom said since your father left us you have have no father figure in your life. So this is your new step father the only thing it was my only friend.
I met an amazing girl online. Smart, sexy... uninhibited. Of course it turned out to be a 12 year old paraplegic boy... I have to admit... The sex was disappointing.
I was going on a date when I decided to put on Penaldo’s PR7 cologne to smell good. As I put on the cologne, my skin started to turn invisible! I then realized the cologne had made me turn into a ghost 👻. Shame on you Penaldo for ruining my date 😡
I told an orphan that I watch Family Guy and he seemed disappointed so I reminded him that he has no family.
I tried to high five a tree, but it just left me hanging.
I’m like an escalator because I’m always letting people down
A emo texted a tree wanna hang out... The tree ghosted her
You are more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel.
As a lifelong farmer, I was excited that Ligue 1 was moving up the UEFA ranking toward an Industrial Revolution and I can finally leave the farm. Alas, Pessi joined and we went down a rank because he is so finished. Shame on you Pessi, now I have to go back to shoveling cow shit.
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Finding only half a worm.
Call me an escalator because I let people down.
One day every kid at the orphanage got coal for Christmas. It was the second worst day of there lives.
It’s all fun and games until someone fails at becoming superman.
1. If being ugly was a crime you would have a life sentence
2. My phone battery lasts longer than your friendships
3. There is a tree out there giving you oxegyn, and you owe that tree an apology.
4. I don’t hate you, but I gotta unplug your life support to charge my phone.
5. When I saw your dad on the side walk I didn’t laugh but the sidewalk cracked up.
6. If I had powers I would make you the dumbest person alive but it seems life already beat me to the punch.
7. If karma ever comes to punch ya in the face, I wanna be there to help it
8. If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart I’d be broke.
9. You are more disappointing than a cake without frosting
10. Were you born on a highway cuz that’s where most accidents happen
11. Wow, that hurts, now I know how it felt when your mom said that to ya
12. Your the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo, and you may as well be the reason why the middle finger was invented
Pain. gained. Anxiety. Fulfilled. Insomnia. Deppression. Always with me. Happiness... The one thing i cant have.
A young 38 year old happy Muslim migrant living in Sydney wants to wed a beautiful young bride. He asks the local Aussie the minimum age to wed his yet unchosen bride. "Eighteen" the Aussie says, sipping a beer. "She has to be Eighteen". Okay the Muslim man sighed, with disappointment and walks off. Next day he arrives with a 13 year old girl. "Wtf are you doing" Aussie says? You say this is okay" Muslim replied. "Fuck no she must be at least Eighteen you sick bastard" says Aussie, flicking away his Winnie Blue cigarette. Muslim man leaves angrily. Next day Happy Muslim settles on a 14 year old girl from Punchbowl to be his bride. Aussies jaw drops, "what is wrong with you mate?" asks Aussie. Muslim man replies "You tell me to choose 'a teen', 'a teen', I chose a teen and now you come for my third and now fourth choice. Fuck you!" Aussie: "Eighteen not 'a teen' you sick mongrel.
I feel bad for cumming on my turtle
Why the fuck would I do that. I should have never masturbated in front of my turtle. So basically I was watching porn in my 55 inch tv and my turtle was next to me in the couch. The porno was really old. It was a DVD from 2002. It was probably the hottest porn I have ever watch and honestly I'm probably going to watch porn on dvd instead from the internet. The only reason I had my turtle with me was because whenever I cum, I feel really depressed and lonely, so I thought that if my turtle watched with my I wouldn't feel lonely. Well I started stroking my willie, I used lotion, i took all my clothes off, but my dumbass forgot the tissues. I realized that I forgot to grab tissues but it was too late. I was going to cum. I didn't want to cum everywhere so I had to think fast. It was when I saw my turtle when I realized what I had to do. I came like a motherfucker. My turtle was painted with my cum in his tiny little face and all around his shell. He didn't say a word about it, he didn't move, he just stood there looking at me like I killed a bunch of children. I would never forgot the look my turtle gave me. His disappointing face broke my heart. I put on my clothes, I took my turtle to the bathroom and cleaned him off. What happened, happened. But my turtle would never forgot what happened. My turtle, Tommy, would never forgive me. Today, I passed by him and I know he still remembers what i did to him 3 hours ago. My only wish, is that one day, Tommy the turtle will forgive me for my horrible sins.
Sorry for the interruption I am ALYA and i am disappointed in you guys you shouldn't bully or make fun of Orphans they didn't choose their life what happened in their life. what happens if you were an orphan and people are making fun of you. would you like that?
I was given my Electronics test today. Turns out it was given to me cauz I have the same name as someone who got 54/59. I actually got my hopes up too.
I thought today was going to be a good day when I woke up this morning. But then I got to the store and they said they were out of rope.
