Contradiction jokes

I'm what they call a ✨️askhole✨️.

A person who will consistently ask for your advice and wisdom, but then proceed to do the exact opposite of what you say.

Just because you‘re suicidal, you don‘t have to be a quitter.

Wait, actually.

Anakin Skywalker: I don't like sand.

*also him*

Anakin Skywalker: I lived on sand.

Abortion is wrong because God wanted the baby to be alive.

Miscarriages are okay because God did not want the baby to be alive.

I'm a gay depressed person. Would that make me a happy unhappy person?

I'm torn on the issue of abortion. I'm pro-abortion because it kills babies, but I'm against abortion because it gives women a choice.

I was raised an only child, which really pissed my brother.

A cocksucker is still a cocksucker if a cocksucker only sucks for moral, religious, or health reasons, and a vegetarian who doesn't eat meat for moral, religious, or health reasons can still be a cocksucker, so how can a cocksucker be a vegetarian for moral, religious, or health reasons?

I'm in school right now, but I'm on an airplane.

Wanna hear somethin' ironic? When one cutter tells another cutter to stop, but he himself can't stop cutting.

Teacher: "People with depression never get anywhere in life."

Student 1: "My mom has depression, but she died."

Student 2: "My sister has depression and she's going to therapy."

Student 3: "My dad has depression, and he's doing REALLY well."