And jokes

What's the most embarrassing thing about locking your keys in the car outside a pregnancy care center?

Having to go inside and ask for a coat hanger.

What is the difference between a microwave and a gay guy?

A microwave doesn’t brown your meat.

What's the difference between child abuse and abandonment?

The abused ones are forced to listen while being abused, while abandoned kids cry because they don't have parents anymore.

A white woman was caught on video using racial slurs and assaulting two black students. She was charged with "interpreting" a black police officer.

How did the black woman name her 4 babies?

Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, and Tyrone.

How did she differentiate them?

She called them by their last names.

What starts with "N" and ends with "G?"

Nothing.

What do women and KFC have in common?

After you get done with the thighs and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

Guys, I promise I’m not suicidal, I just like dark things.

*proceeds to walk around the house with headphones in and stare at the ceiling while laying down on the couch*

I took my friend skydiving once, and he jumped out of the plane without a parachute. Then I remembered he was emo.

What's the difference between a bird and an emo?

Birds fly.

What's the difference between Ironman and Ironwoman?

One's a superhero, one's a command.

It's illegal to go onto someone's property, demand money that they might not have while wearing all black, and threaten horrible things if they don't pay.

But when the IRS does it, it's perfectly fine. HMMMMM . . .

A mirror and a beer bottle are arguing.

The beer bottle says: "If you break me, you get one year of bad luck."

The mirror scoffs: "Oh, that's nothing. You break me and you get 7 years of bad luck."

The condom overhears these arguments and walks off laughing.

My son told me he has to bring an object for show and tell at school.

So I had him bring my wife.

Did you know Paul Walker had dandruff?

Neither did I until I found his Head and Shoulders in the glove compartment.

What’s the difference between black matter and Black Lives Matter?

Black matter leaves an impact.

What did Hitler get for his birthday?

A G.I. Jew and an Easy Bake Oven.

A rapist, pedophile, and a priest walk into a bar. He orders a beer.

Same person.

Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.

The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.

The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"

Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just told me!" and the manager leaves him to his job.

A few minutes, later Dave's phone rings.

"Hello?" Dave answers. No response for a few seconds, then a voice appears.

"My wife cheated on me," a man says. The man on the other end of the line is clearly depressed.

"I'm sorry to hear that," Dave says.

"I found out that she's been doing it for months; she says I don't treat her well enough. She's filing for divorce and threatening to take the kids from me. I don't know what to do. I just took up drinking and gambling, the pain goes away at first but it always comes back. I don't think I can even afford to see a psychiatrist; money is tight as it always is. I wish I could manage my finances better... I just don't see any way out. I think the only thing I can do that makes sense is to just kill myself."

Dave pauses for a moment, thinks, and then he asks:

"Wouldn't it make more sense to kill her?"

A guy barges into a psychiatrist’s office and screams, “Doctor! I have suicidal tendencies! What do I do?!”

The doctor calmly answers, “Pay me in advance.”