And jokes

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You want to know what annoying people and dogs have in common.

The female ones are called "bitch."

Girls are like bacteria. The toxic ones are everywhere, and you have to take special care of the good ones.

My mum told me to take you to the zoo and throw you in the lake, but I couldn't find you.

What's the difference between outlaws and in-laws?

Outlaws are wanted :)

What's the difference between an orphan and Daniel Larusso?

At least Daniel has a mom.

Never let an orphan watch Fast and the Furious.

All they will talk about is how great their family is.

A man got pulled over, and the policeman had stepped out and said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

The man said, "I was trying to catch up with the traffic."

The officer said, "There is no traffic."

The man said, "Exactly, that’s how far behind I am!"

20 years later

Johnny: Hey dad.

Dad: Yea?

Johnny: Fuck you, I ain't comin' back to your grave in 16 years, then ima come back, BITCH!

Dad: Doing the same thing I did to you and your mother, ay? I deserve it :( ;O not real...NOT A FUCKING ALL.

Johnny: Yea you kinda fucking do.

Dad:...

Little Johnny: Hey, Dad, are you finally back with the milk?

Dad: Yea, but it's expired, so I'm going back to the "milk store" and get more (and not come back for a couple more years). :)

How are an emo kid and a hanging child the same?

Depends on who's hanging.

A noose, a knife, a gun, and a razor blade look at a child who committed suicide after being bullied.

Everyone looked at the noose. The noose would say, "What? It wasn't my fault!"

What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant lady?

You can unscrew a light bulb.

I'm thinking about telling my daughter there's a ghost in the house. At least then I can wear a bed sheet at night and fuck her without her being suspicious.

What do you get when you have a class of kids and a speeding car?

A 24 killstreak!

I wanted to bomb a restaurant, so I went in there with a bomb, but the bomb got diffused and did not work.

I asked a person standing nearby. I said, "Hey, do you know how to fix this bomb so I can blow up this place?"

He gave me a book.

It was the Quran.

I said, "What the hell is that?"

He said, "This is the official manual for bomb making."