And jokes
I left a ticket to a WNBA game on the dashboard when I went to go get the groceries.
A burglar broke in and left another one on the dashboard.
I was making love to this girl, and she started crying. I said, “Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?” She said, “No, I hate myself now.”
– Rodney Dangerfield
When you're in a cage But it's not real!
Being in a cage But you have the key.
Being in a cage But nobody sees you.
Being outside of a cage, but it's empty.
Living and realizing you've been born into one.
Thinking someone cared about you But turns out they're toxic as fu**.
But you can't live without them.
The cage Is you. You have the key But you don't know how to use it.
10, being in the middle, tried to prevent 9/11 from getting closer.
Sorry, I meant 9 and 11.
What is the difference between a baseball player and an orphan?
The baseball player has a home to run back to.
What do snow and friends have in common? If you pee on them, they disappear.
Dentist: Open up, sir.
Me: So... I hate my life, my family, my sisters, my dog, my cat, and I tried to take a bath with my toaster, but my dog took it. That's why I hate my dog. And my cat died trying to chew my rope; it choked... Yea.
Dentist: I... meant your mouth... so I can clean your teeth.
Me: :O Ohhhh, my bad.
Dentist: Do you need help??
Me: Yep.
Dentist: ...
Me: ....
A Japanese person comes to America and sees guns everywhere. One American says, "Welcome to America!"
I put someone in a wheelchair into the fire and called him "hot wheels."
When you push your grandma out of her wheelchair and steal it.
“They see me rollin’, they hatin’.”
Why were 7, 8, and 10 scared?
Answer: 9/11, of course!
What's the difference between a picture of Jesus and the real Jesus? It only takes 1 nail to hang the picture.
Why didn't the boy like his Christmas presents? Hint: They were a soccer ball, bicycle, and running shoes.
To whoever @heil dem anfuhrer is, I hope you know I can’t understand what you’re saying. So next time you get on an American website, please speak English, and I don’t speak whatever European language that is.😊
Roses are red, violets are blue,
I have a traitor friend, and that is YOU.
You were sad because your grandmother died.
The next day, you were washing your face, and you realize sadness made your face BLUE.
What is the difference between an orphan and an apple tree?
The apples get picked.
My cousin’s friend spelled “racist” wrong and when my cousin showed me, the first thing I said to my cousin’s friend is “Go to Grammarly. They REALLY teach you spelling.”
You're so ugly that when you were born, your mother asked, "How does my little treasure look?", and the doctor replied, "I think we should bury it immediately."
What do you get when you mix a white guy and a fire?
A firecracker.