And jokes

What do you call a woman with one arm and one leg?

Eileen.

What do Michelangelo and Kurt Cobain have in common?

They both used their brains to paint the ceiling.

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve. It was an apple, but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.

I've just started reading my first ever Braille horror story, and I think that something scary is about to happen. I can feel it.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day.

Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

What do friends and trees have in common? They both fall down when you hit them with an axe.

What's the difference between an amateur thief and a professional thief?

The amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!" The professional thief says, "Sign here please."

Why does Jesus never vacation on Earth?

Because he traveled down about 2,000 years ago, got with some Jewish chick, and they're still talking about it!

Why do Native Americans hate snow?

Because it's white and settles on their land.

I met a guy in a wheelchair today. His face was battered and bruised. "What happened to your face?" I asked.

"I'm a Paralympian," he replied.

"Boxing?"

"No, ... hurdles."

I was raised a Catholic, and my priest told me when I was 12, "God is watching you when you masturbate."

I said, "Is God a pedophile too, Father?"

A priest, a rapist, a pedophile, and a homosexual walk into a bar.

He orders a drink.

A pedophile and a little boy are walking into the woods late at night.

The little boy says, "I'm scared."

The pedophile says, "You think you're scared? I have to walk back alone!"

My doctor called me fat. I told him I wanted a second opinion and he said, "OK, you're ugly too."

Chuck Norris once heard nothing can kill him. So he tracked down nothing and killed it.

What's the difference between Stephen Hawking and the computer he's hooked up to? The computer runs.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He just stares them down and gets the information he wants.

There's 10 kind of people in the world. Those who know binary and those who don't.

What's the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling? One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler.

What's the difference between Bird flu and swine flu?

For one you get tweetment, for the other you get oinkment.