And jokes
Yo mama is so ugly, she walked into a haunted house and walked out with a job application.
I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out. What a waste of thyme.
A blind man walks into a bar, and a table, and a door, and a staircase.
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? -- One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
What do you call a cross between a gorilla and a monkey? -- A cross.
What is the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws. A complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
What did Schrödinger say to Shakespeare?
"To be and not to be."
Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?
Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.
What's the difference between England and a tea bag? -- The tea bag stays longer in a cup.
What is the difference between 9/11 and a cow?
You stop milking a cow after 15 years.
My boyfriend came over today and stole my milk. How dairy!
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9. The odds were against me.
Who can shave 20 times a day and still have a beard? -- A barber.
Today, a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
What's green, fuzzy, and if it falls out of a tree it will kill you?
A pool table.
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
How many ears does Captain Picard have?
Three: A left ear, a right ear, and a final front-ear.
What's the difference between a hippie chick and a hockey player? The hockey player showers after 3 periods.
What's the difference between a gay and a freezer?
The freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.