And jokes
How are a woman and a car alike? Put something in them and they'll both start.
What's the similarity between women and car parking spaces? The good ones are always taken, and sometimes when nobody's looking, you slip in the disabled one.
We cut and kill flowers because they're pretty.
We cut and kill ourselves because we are not.
Helen Keller fell down a well. She screamed and screamed until she was blue in the hands.
He told me that he was in a wheelchair, and I asked, "Oh, wheely?"
Muslims commit suicide to go to Paradise and get 72 virgins... I just go to the local primary school.
My friend told me he had a sister. I asked if she was hot, and he said she was 8. That wasn't my question.
Why has Stephen Hawking stopped playing hide and seek with his wife? Because she keeps using a metal detector.
A drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him:
Wife: "Why is your face all bloody?"
Husband: "I was so drunk that I couldn't stand up, so I kept falling on my face!"
Wife: "Idiot. You left your wheelchair at the bar!"
There were three Indians that got kicked out of the tribe.
One said, "Me find food," and he came back with a decent size rabbit. The other two asked him what happened. He said, "Me see rabbit, me shoot rabbit, and rabbit fall down dead."
The 2nd Indian, "Me find food." He came back with a good sized deer. The other two asked him what happened. He said, "Me see deer, me shoot deer, deer fall down dead."
The third Indian said, "Me find food." He came back crawling, missing a leg and an arm, and he was all cut up. The others asked what happened. He said, "Me see train, me shoot train, train no stop!"
Women are like tornadoes.
They scream when they are coming and take your house when they are leaving.
What did the boy with no arms and no legs get for Christmas?
Cancer.
What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Stop and apply lubrication.
What's the difference between light and hard?
It's easy to get to sleep with a light on.
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex will make your whole day. Anal sex will make your hole weak.
What does a shark and a computer have in common?
They both have megabytes.
What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
Snowballs.
What's the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus?
A painting only takes one nail to be hanged.
Two atoms are walking down the street, and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I’m positive!"
What do you call a woman with one arm and one leg?
Eileen.