And jokes

Russian history in 5 words: "And then things got worse."

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are... But I laugh more.

Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day. Push a man from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

A cop stopped a guy for speeding.

He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"I was trying to keep up with traffic," the guy replied.

The cop said, "But there is no traffic."

And the guy answered, "That's how far behind I am."

What's the difference between America and a bottle of milk?

In 200 years the milk will have developed a culture.

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."

"Well, I'm your man," I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

How do you cover 12 holes with one hole?

Take a flute and shove it up your ass.

If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with four people is called a foursome, I guess now it's clear why everyone calls me handsome.

Tell a woman she's beautiful a hundred times, and she won't believe you. Tell a woman she's fat once, and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.

4, 6, 8, and 9 have all been killed. 2, 3, 5, 7, and 11 are the prime suspects.

The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologized to the Olympic Committee after realizing that sailing and shooting were two separate events.

I was sitting next to this really hot Thai girl on the bus, and all I could think to myself was, "Don't get an erection, don't get an erection..." But she did.

Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.

Jesus: "A table for 26, please." Headwaiter: "But there's only... 13 of you?" Jesus: "Yeah, we're all going to sit on the same side."

What's the difference between tuna, a piano and glue?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna.

How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb? -- One. They are efficient and don't have humor.

I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

I'll let you know.

What do prime numbers and stoners have in common? The higher they are, the more spaced out they get.

Damn girl, are you a smoke detector? Because you're super annoying and won't shut up.

What does a turtle and a pedophile have in common? They both want to get there before the hare does.

If I were addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?