Shower thoughts

What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut, you fucking racist!

What do you call a black man on the moon?

An astronaut, you fucking racist.

How do you piss off a midget?

Give them a yo-yo and tell them to play with it.

What do you call two homeless people throwing rocks at each other?

A pillow fight.

What do you call a virgin lying on a waterbed? A cherry float.

What do you do when your cat’s dead?

Play with the neighbor’s pussy instead.

How is being in the military like getting a blowjob?

The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?

Because Kermit likes his pork sweet and sour.

What does a blowjob and a bonus check have in common?

Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.

What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD? A trip without kids.

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up like an altar boy.

The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die: to be shot, to be hung, or to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly.

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." Snap, he was dead.

Then the Irishman said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and the Irishman fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.

Then the Irishman said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.

Finally, the warden said, "What is wrong with you?"

The Irishman replied, "You guys are so stupid... I'm wearing a condom!"

What was Jesus's favorite sport?

Lacrosse.

What's the difference between a gay rooster and a straight rooster?

Straight rooster says, "Cock-a-doodle-doo."

A gay rooster says, "Any cock will do."

Why doesn't The View have anyone on it who is trans? They just look like they are.

I don’t like to play games, actually. There is one game: It’s Barbie. Of course, I’ll be Ken, and you’ll be the box cum in.

Have you heard the word of the day? It’s "legs".

Now, let’s go back to my place and I can spread them.

What does a burnt pizza, cold beer, and a pregnant woman have in common?

Someone didn’t pull it out in time.

What do you call a flooded hospital?

Vegetable soup.

What do you call two Chinese lesbians?

Two can't chew.