If I wanted to kill myself, I'd climb your ego and jump to your IQ.
Shower thoughts
If someone calls you fat, just ignore them. You are bigger than that!
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
A fine is a tax for doing something wrong. A tax is a fine for doing something good.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"Father replied, "I don't know, son. I'm still paying."
Anal intercourse is for assholes.
The media's relationship with Hillary is just like Bill's relationship with Hillary. The relationship is unwanted and forced, and they'll move on to the next person any chance they get.
The media's relationship with Hillary is just like Bill's relationship with Hillary. The relationship is unwanted and forced, and they'll move on to the next person any chance they get.
Talking to a liberal is like trying to explain social media to a 70-year-old.
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."
The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit."
When your crush walks in class, but you're homeschooled.
I never knew the kid at school had autism. I always just thought he was walking into cobwebs.
Y'know that foundation called "Autism Speaks"? No, it screeches.
I saw a cute coworker and had sex in the back until I realized it is a family business.
When your crush walks in class, but you're homeschooled...
I have a joke about suicide, but I’ll just let it hang.
Why don't amputees ever get cold? They're always wearing their stump warmers.
Why did the little girl fall off the swing? She was born without arms.
What's the difference between a hipster and a hockey player? A hockey player changes his pads every third period.