Why can't lesbians wear makeup while on a diet?
Because they can't eat Jenny Craig while Mary Kay is sitting on their face.
Shower thoughts
A man walks into a restaurant. The waitress hands him a menu and it says: "Hot dog: $2, Hamburger: $5, Blowjob: $10."
He asks the waitress, "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"
She says, "Yes, I am."
He tells her, "Good. Can you go wash your goddamn hands? Because I want a hot dog."
I am starting a business where I help people count. It is called making the little things count.
What is a Jamaican's idea of a balanced diet?
A joint in each hand.
What's the difference between a sidewalk, a drug dealer, and a prostitute?
A: A sidewalk's crack doesn't leave an odor!
Why do Americans always win gold at the shooting Olympics?
Because they practice at the best schools.
Why did the blonde snort artificial sweetener?
She thought it was diet coke.
What is the most unrealistic thing about Harry Potter?
A ginger with friends.
If you could add one zero to any number for the rest of your life, what would it be and why?
Do you know why most men are impressive cooks?
Because with two eggs and a sausage, they can keep women full for 9 months.
What’s the best thing about dating an orphan?
You don’t need parental consent.
What’s something you can say at a Christian summer camp and during a blind date?
"Good Lord, this is fun!"
What’s something you can say during a pregnancy test and during a sporting event?
"We’ve got a runner!"
What’s something you can say during a pregnancy test and during a sporting event?
"We’ve got a runner!"
My girlfriend accuse me of cheating. I asked her what was I supposed to do? She was just lying naked she said just do the damn autopsy.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
What did Britney Spears’s left leg say to her right leg? Nothing they’ve never met
Q: What did Britney say to Kevin when they were in bed?
A: "Hit me baby one more time."
How can Batman defeat the Joker? A: With a handful of sleeping pills.
The real reason women are always cold is because they’re not in front of a stove or an oven. So, naturally, when they leave the habitat, they need to have two blankets.