A wife is like a grenade. Pull the ring and the house is gone.
if a toy from toy story died, the kid wouldn't know and the other toys would just have to watch as their kid played with the corpse
What do you call a autism kid with a gun?
Special forces
What show does an orphan hate?
Family Guy.
What do you call a alligator that cant geg hard. A reptile disfunction
Steven Hawking said there is no God, Then God said there is no Steven Hawking
why cant hitler join track? because he cant even finish a race
Two wrongs don't make a right, take your parents as an example.
What's the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest?
At least one does something when it is triggered.
I got a handjob from a blind woman the other day. She said, "It's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand." I said, "No love, you're just pulling my leg."
My girlfriend broke up with me. She said I was a pedophile. I told her, “PEDOPHILE? Wow, that sure is a big word for an eight-year-old!”
I don't like to use the word kidnapping. So I just use the term: surprise adoption
I wanna be a Christmas decoration cause they always do be hanging
How do you find a blind man at a nude beach?
It isn't hard
I have 206 bones in my body but when I look at you I have 207
A man went to the library and asked for a book about suicide. The librarian said go away you won’t bring it back
Someone glued my deck of cards together. I don't know how to deal with it.
My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.
Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9!
That's the best I've done so far.
Q: How do you know when an Asian broke into your house?
A: Your math homework is done, your computer is upgraded, and 2 hours later he's still trying to back out of the driveway.
"Boom, quick; you have five seconds to give me three reasons to live." "1......2......3 .....4....5..." Did you noticed you said nothing at all?
