Salad

Anonymous

How do you make any salad into a caesar salad?

Stab it twenty three times.

7

Fire

Sneakyjew

There are some sounds that everyone loves…

  • Shoes on gravel
  • Crackling of fire
  • The snapping necks of those who think they can disrespect you
  • Cats purring

Accident

Sasha

Kids in the backseat make accidents and accidents in the back seat make kids.

Stupid

WOW

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.

“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”

The boy licked his cone and replied:

“Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!”

Girlfriend

NibbaF..got69

Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike, there may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until i find one, i’m stuck here holding my rod

Priest

HerpDerpGaming

Why are priests called father? because its too suspicious to call them daddy.

Girlfriend

Emotionless husk

I showed my girlfriend my shotgun yesterday. It really blew her away.

3

Doctor

Yggdrasil Crimson

I asked the doctor doing my prostate exam where i should put my pants. “next to mine” was not the answer i was expecting

6

Marriage

Anonymous

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you wish you had a club and spade.

0

Cop

Bloodcurdling scream

I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere

Yo mama

Anonymous

There are five cows on a farm, one mamma cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, “Momma, why is my name Rose?” The mommy cow replies, “Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born.” The next calf comes up and asks, “Momma, why is my name Lily?” The mother replies, “Because honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born.” The third baby comes up and asks, “Momma, why is my name Daisy?” The momma cow again replieds" Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head." The final baby walks over and says, “Huh Ruh Buh Duh!” The momma cow says, “Shut up, Cinderblock!”

Woman

Anonymous

Wives are like grenades… – Remove the ring and boom, house is gone!

Girlfriend

Anonymous

I’ve been looking for my ex girlfriend’s killer for the past two years. But no one would do it.

Body

Bloodcurdling scream

They laughed at my crayon drawing

I laughed at their chalk outline.

Wrong

Joe Mamma

i got kicked out of the hospital cause i told all the Covid-19 patents to stay positive.

Wife

Big Boss Tom

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.

8

Bank

Anonymous

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. – A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Sister

Anonymous

My friend got mad when he caught me smelling his sister’s panties. I don’t know why he was mad, maybe because she was wearimg them, or because his whole family was watching. Either way it made the funeral a bit awkward.

Titanic

Prowl

Titanic: “And I’m nominating everyone on board for the Ice Bucket challenge!”

9

Delivery

Neon Lights

Any joke can be funny with the right delivery. Except Abortion jokes, because there is no delivery.