Worst Jokes Ever
A man is walking on a bridge and sees a lady over the railing.
Man: "Ah, suicidal eh? Are you gonna jump?" Lady: "Yep. I hate this world." Man: "Well, if you're gonna die, can we have sex before you jump?" Lady: "Hell no! You creep!" Man: "Ok, fine. I guess I'll just wait until your corpse washes onto the shore."
I told the doctor I didn’t want a brain surgery. But he changed my mind.
Want to watch Titanic?
No, I'm not on board for it.
Jack and Jill went up the hill 'cause Jack took a Viagra.
Jill was drunk, fell to her knee, Jack had his chance, did Jill till 3.
What do you get from a dwarf cow?
Condensed milk.
Little Johnny walks in on his grandfather smoking a cigar.
“May I smoke a cigar?” asks Johnny.
The grandpa replies, “Well, does your dick touch your asshole?”
Johnny replied, “No,” and left the room.
The next day Johnny sees his grandpa getting into a car.
“Can I drive the car?” asks Johnny.
“Does your dick touch your asshole?”
“No.”
The day after that, Grandpa sees Johnny about to eat a cookie.
“Johnny, may I have some of your cookie?” asked the grandpa.
“Does your dick touch your asshole, grandpa?”
“Yep.”
“Then go fuck yourself, this is my cookie.”
What were Stephen Hawking's last words? "System failure."
Your mum's so fat that when she goes to KFC, they run out of stock of chicken.
What is an alien's favourite chocolate?
A Mars bar.
Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jill could whack off Jack. Jill yelled out, "Jack, where is your sack?"
Said, "I'm not Jack, I'm your friend Nancy."
What's worse than having an honorary degree from Harvard? Being homeless and having an honorary degree from Harvard.
Q: Do you know why people don't like abortion jokes?
A: Because they leave people with a feeling of emptiness inside.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to start to build the still for Jill.
Jack stopped and said to drunkin' Jill, "To build this still will take so long."
Jill said to Jack, "Well, f--k the still and kiss my ass, and watch me take another pill!"
How are giants and strippers alike?
They both grind men's bones to make their bread.
Being sad is my only happiness.
I'm so mad I got arrested for rape, even though the girl never said no. The prosecution said she was mute, but how was I supposed to know? She never told me.
An old lady in the bank told me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Little Jimmy asked his mom if he could take a bath with her since he was scared of being alone. She said, "Sure, just don't look up." He looked up and said, "Woah, what are those?" She replied, "Those are just headlights." He looked down and said, "What is that?" She said, "That's just a bush." The next day, mommy wasn't home, so he asked to take a shower with his papa instead. He said, "Okay, but don't look up." He looked up and said, "Woah, what is that?" His papa replied, "That's just a snake." Later that night, he asked to sleep with his parents. They said, "Okay, just don't look under the covers." After a while, he grew bored and went under the covers. Jimmy screamed, "Mom, turn on the headlights, the snake is in the bush!"
If there is a hair, the meat is ruined.
I liked my life when I first got it... Later they said no because I didn’t have the receipt.